This is the Life...

Sometimes I forget that I am a member of the elite.  I forget myself, and get scared of things that might make my life sad or uncomfortable.  Things that make me want to crawl away and hide myself, protect myself from the rest of humanity - and live selfishly and horde things to myself - as if that will offer some barrier to the world. I forget that the life I have, is unattainable for some and impossible for others.

When I stop to think about it, I remember that I was born in a society, wanted and valued.  Growing up I was encouraged to live my dreams, loved and supported while doing it.  I have been told to speak my mind, that my thoughts and observations are important.  I am loved by a husband and family, in a way that makes the wealthy pale in comparison.  When I saw this documentary trailer, it made me angry, and so sad.  I felt helpless, and so very small.Why am I so blessed?

I don't know what the answer is.  I don't know how to help, or what to do...not yet. I do know it starts with something small, a small sacrifice that maybe you can make too.  A sponsorship, a volunteer...something.  It's useless to sit around blaming myself for being born to privilege, I was so that I could help.  So that I could be a blessing to someone like me - who just happens to live a world away.

It's A Girl - Documentary Film

Recovering from the Lie

Recently, someone told a lie about me.  Not one of those kind of behind-your-back, nasty kind of lies, it was a strange one.  He said it right to my face, and as the words invaded our conversation like so many armed soldiers, though I was shocked by them, I didn't immediately recognize it as a lie.  After all, this was a person of authority in my life, and I've been taught anything, it's to respect authority.  I respect it to the point where I don't even realize when someone in authority may have malicious intent, because people in authority are supposed to have my best at heart.  But sitting here, with a jar of antipasto and a box of cookies, I'm starting to think that the lie affected me even more than I originally thought.  Ok, I know I can't solve life's problems with a jar of antipasto, but on the off chance it's clearing my head, I'm think the old adage "Sticks and stones may break my bones..." might have been misquoted.  

Now, this is a lie that has bared itself as false, at least I can gather evidence from my own life and experience that show it as untrue, no matter how relevant or pertinent this authoritative figure believed it.  It has taken me a few weeks to sort it out, and it might take a few more picking off the residual pieces of this lie - but to ignore the power of it would be dangerous. This is not to say that the lie itself had the power, but as I heard it, and transferred it through my mind and my heart I gave it power that was damaging, and left unchecked could have made a casualty of my self confidence.  

This whole experience has made me think both about the others that have been influenced by lies told to them, as well as my own position of authority.  Have I told lies to students, believing I know what's best for them that were damaging? Of course, the ones that come to mind usually center around, Of course you need to know how to complete the metaphorical analysis of a poem, you will use it all the time... but I'm sure there have been others.  I am sorry for them.

What are the lies that you've believed about yourself? Where did you hear them, and what damage have they caused? Recognize them for what they are, and be prepared to do battle.  You aren't good enough. How could God ever use you? You're a screw-up. You're not worth anything. You're ugly, no one wants you.  These are evil words, and only some of them.  They sneak down deep into the recesses of your soul, and desire to tear you apart, to keep you from what God has for you.

SO, take the time you need.  Recover.  But as I have discovered, recovery is not a process where you sit back, relax and everything is made right.  Recovery is hard, you need to be active in it, so active that it sometimes feels like a battle.  But, know the truth! 

By having the eyes of your heart flooded with light, so that you can know and understand the hope to which he has called you, and how rich is his glorious inheritance in the saints. Ephesians 1:18

Beware of the lies that come cloaked in good advice.  Know who and what God has created you to be! I think the best thing - out of all of this, this process of recovery, that God has granted me the ability to understand that it's not these broken people in our lives, who speak over us - maybe with good intentions that we need to fight against.  In truth, they need as much love as we can give them.  It is the LIE itself, that we need to tear apart from its very root.  For the people we see every day...

But, he's already made it plain how to live, what to do, what God is looking for in men and women.  It's quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor, be compassionate and loyal in your love, And don't take yourself too seriously - Take God seriously. Micah 6:8 MSG

 

 

From the Emerald Blooded...

I saw a post on Facebook a few days ago.  A friend of mine is building their first home. What kind of reaction would you expect? Excitement? Encouragement? Nope. Not from me. Instead a tiny, pinched voice from somewhere deep inside...Of course they can build a house, and have a new house.  They have a full time job! The little diatribe went on for a bit longer, but it was overshadowed by the voice of realization. That one came out loud and clear.  You're Jealous! I literally stopped as the thought hit me - and I realized that it's true. I get jealous - easily. 

It was kind of a shock to my system.  I never really thought about it before, I just assumed that I was above such things.  Yet, as I really thought about it, I could pinpoint several instances when I've opened my mouth, or thought things that are judgmental toward others - when the root of it is jealousy.  This innate belief down deep in me that I'm not good enough - or that I am somehow better than others, showing itself whenever I feel threatened by the good things that happen to other people. It's sad. When something good happens to someone else, instead of celebrating that with them, I put on a fake smile for them and immediately go and whine to God in my mind that it's just not fair. Because instead of relying on God for his timing, instead of being responsible for the decisions I make, instead of simply being THANKFUL for all of the things that I have, that other people don't have but want, I readily give into jealousy and spite and cover it up with a smile on my face. 

James 4: 2-3 You desire and you do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel.  You do not have because you do not ask. You ask and you do not receive because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.

I've heard this scripture before, but always in the context of asking for something.  But, was surprised to read it fully.  Jealousy makes me ask for things "to spend on my own passion" if what I am asking for, makes me look good or sounds right and is another way of me being judgmental of someone else, then even those things are wrong.  I don't know if someone can change over night, I doubt it - but it was a little signal to me of something that has to change. I imagine though it's only a small discovery of many.  I'm sorry for those of you I've hurt by being jealous, any one I've pretended in front of, when I've been feeling something else inside. It's part of a journey I've started. A journey to say what God says, and more importantly think what God thinks, not just act the way I think that he acts.  It shouldn't shock me that I'm actually not better than anyone else - but that instant-jealous reaction is easy to let slip by when I'm not watching for it.  From now on, I'm going to be watching for it, guarding against it and loving people, bringing them to Christ instead.

When I Married You...

Eight years ago, when I married you, I thought I knew what marriage was.  I had it all figured out, it was two people, just us every minute of every day - and there was no one else in the world.  I would get to spend all my time with you, and be adored by you, and all of the yucky things like snakes, and spiders and fears and sadness, would simply disappear - because it was just me and you and together we could beat anything.  Eight years ago, I would have said, we are perfect for each other, that we are the very best of friends, and that marriage isn't so hard to figure out as long as we had each other.

Eight years is a long time - and as days transform themselves into weeks, months, and years, it becomes more and more clear that not only did I really not know what marriage is, but that I am still trying to figure it out.  It turns out, that you wanted more in a best friend than just someone who was infatuated with you, someone who would only tell you what you want to hear.  Instead we've learned to tell each other the truth, to speak in a way that doesn't hurt, and when it does hurt - to work until we understand.  That friendship means a smile for you when you come home, and a sincere appreciation of the fact that you love to play games, and will always love to play them - even if I do not.  Friendship means working together, even on projects we can't remember why we started, on our home - when that closet door falls off for the thousandth time, or the sink backs up, or I knock the side view mirror off of the car....Best friends means we forgive, even before we tick each other off, and that when we're angry, we don't stay that way. As far as "perfect" for each other - we're not, but thank goodness for that.  Can you imagine the boredom around here if we ever achieve perfection? Let's just keep being not perfect together.

Then to the question of love.  What is love? At the very least, I think it changes. It changed for us, didn't it? At first it was all sweet, and adorable, butterflies and flowers, romance and the smell of rain in the springtime, but love changes.  It gets roots, and starts to grow down deep, and take hold in experiences and memories, like the time you lost your job, the time we drove to Banff, the time I lost the keys, working through the summer to fix up this house, coaxing Calypso out from behind the couch with tuna, holding Micah finally, and looking down into Olivia's little face, and love becomes less something fuzzy and bubbly, and more something rooted and deep, warm and comfortable.  

It struck me the other day, I still think you're handsome - and I get a little glow when you smile at me.
We are full of hope on this adventure - it's not always fun, it's not always easy, but you don't know how happy I am that I'm with you.  

Even though we almost forgot this year...as someone wise once said, Home is wherever I'm with you.

Guts and Glory?

There she weaves by night and day,
A magic web with colors gay,
For she has heard a whisper say, 
A curse is on her if she stay 
To look down on Camelot.
(The Lady of Shalott - Tennyson)

 That quote comes from one of my favorite movies, and very favorite heroine's of all time - Anne of Green Gables.  It's the part in the movie when Anne convinces her friends to reenact The Lady of Shalott and while reciting the ballad finds herself in a leaky boat sinking to the bottom of a river.  Perhaps not the best thought out plan - but that's why I love her.  Anne and I couldn't be more different, she is impulsive, and gets herself into trouble, she's passionate and brave - where I am cautious, overly so, I avoid conflict and I rarely speak my mind.  In fact, when trying to settle on a "girl" name before the birth of my daughter, I think that was why I was so attracted to using Anne (with an E of course) as a part of her name. Though I could do without the impulsiveness, I wanted my daughter to be brave, confident and good, like Anne Shirley. 

I love reading and writing about female characters with guts.  You know what I mean, women who aren't afraid to stand up for what's right, who don't let people push them around, or believe it when people tell them they are ugly or worthless.  Ladies who stand up and do what's right, regardless of the consequences.  The only problem I've found, is that it's easier to be brave while reading a book, or writing a character.  Real life sort of sneaks up on you, and it's harder to block out those taunting little voices that tell you, you're no good, or you aren't pretty - like her, or you're not strong enough, or you're not smart enough.  But, I've started to think, us ladies have been misinformed.  Why aren't we more like Anne Shirley? Elizabeth Bennet? Gwendolyn Fairfax? Scout Finch?

I've decided not to let anyone hold me back anymore. I've decided to believe I am beautiful and strong, that I can love people, and be kind without letting people's words dictate how I look at myself.  You only get one chance to write your own story - be the heroine you want to read about. 

Faith and Falling

Have you ever experienced a time in your life when a leap of faith felt more like a distinctive push? I think it's happening to me, right here, right now...real time. I feel like I am standing at the edge of a cliff, I know I should do it, I know I should jump, but I'm still staring down, down, down at that deep, long drop and thinking...You know, it's not so bad right here, right here where I am. Yet, there's that push, gentle prodding is maybe more like it, but it's inching me closer and closer...and I'm running out of ledge.

Last year, a miracle happened.  Out of the blue, against all odds, I was called by the Principal of a small school within a deeply religious community and offered a job.  It came exactly at the right time - I had no job, and no backup plan.  God stepped in.  I had a good year, as teaching goes, and so when things began to unravel quickly, like when you try to hold on to a bunch of sand, so you hold tight, and more of it gets away in spite of your best efforts, I couldn't help but wondering what on earth God was doing.  He practically dropped me into that job, and now he is pushing me out.  Standing at the top, looking down toward the bottom, is harder I imagine, than staring up toward the top.

I think that one day I'll look back on all of this and be able to see the big picture - for now I just see the really big drop.  Yet, somehow I know if I can let go, really....let it all go, God will do both the pushing and the catching.

So, just in case you are standing there, like me - c'mon let's jump.

Faith Like a Child

A few nights ago I was sitting in the living room with my son, he was playing and having fun, when outside a group of scruffy looking guys, bedecked in strange long beards, tattoos and chains passed by the house.  Though we see many passers by our large picture window, I'd never seen that specific group before, and just as I recoiled inwardly and my brain bounded around thoughts like, Who are they? I wouldn't want to run into them in a dark alley. Why are they walking near our house? What do they want? I hope we locked the car. My son bounded over to the front window, with a wide, welcoming smile - and he waved.  To my surprise, several of the "gang" members smiled, and one even waved back. As my son hurried back to playing and chatter, I thought When did I lose that? 

I'm not sure. When was the last time I looked at people, ALL people and instead of being frustrated that they are in my way, or not moving fast enough, or intruding on my personal space, or rude because they look different than what I think they should, or upset because people haven't given me recognition lately? It's been a while.  When did I forget that I should be treating ALL people with the same warmth, and smile that emanated from my son? A smile never hurt anyone, nor did a kind hello ever kill anybody...but sometimes I act like if I have to do it, it might just kill me.

Thinking about the way my son hopped up, and ran to the window with a smile on his face, and his energetic wave as if he were welcoming friends instead of strangers, made me think, that's what Jesus is like. He isn't stopped by what we look like on the outside, or how we try to protect ourselves by the way we look, or an attitude that we hang onto.  Instead he greets strangers as friends.  It's easy to be polite, or superficial - but that's always what it comes across as - superficial. There was something about the genuinely innocent welcome that made all of the difference.  And aren't all people valuable enough to be treated that way? They are. It just takes some effort and a bit of forethought.

It's a goal I have.
Something to work at.
I'll let you know when its perfected.


For Bobbi - Who never misses an opportunity to treat people like they are important.