That thing I don't want you to know about Me.

Just the other day, I realized that I had passed a significant anniversary for me. It's not one of those anniversary's you really celebrate, like a birthday, but instead one you pass in a kind of reflective contemplation.  For me, it was both happy and sad, happy that things are now the way they are...but sad because I spent so many years screaming.

It was how I knew to cope. I am not just talking about shouting either - that's different. I'm talking about an emotionally debilitating state in which I thought I could scream out the rage that was eating my insides.  The problem - I was screaming at the people I love most in this whole world, my family. My husband. My kids. It was cyclical for me. It would start out with me wanting to be happy, and show that I was happy and so it sent me to seek approval from my husband and kids. In all my "trying" to get approval, I started to find that no matter what my husband or kids did, it didn't fill that hole, and so I would get angry and blame them for all the things I felt that they were doing "wrong". The feelings would build, the emotion would build, and soon I would be at a bursting point, and inevitably I would burst, and scream and scream and scream. This cycle started out to at maybe once or twice a year I would lose it at this level, but as time and my marriage and all the pressures of that progressed, I found the episodes would come more quickly. Every six months, three months, six weeks, two weeks, until I thought one day that I would just be choked up in a screaming rage for the rest of my life. I was both aggressor and victim, I was becoming an abusive mother and wife.

Fortunately, it was about that time I contacted a counselor in order for her to fix everything that was clearly wrong with my husband. I wanted to be validated in my behavior, coddled and told "you poor dear." Thank God, that wasn't the counsel I got. Instead in one session, she said to me, "The screaming stops today." Of course, any sane person would agree, and so I did, but I can remember thinking...but how? and how will I be able to communicate with him (my husband)? Of course my counselor and I talked strategy, and I started to apply those things.  It was work, at first, to remember to stop and think to myself what is this really about? how do I get through to him without screaming? how do I love myself? But, slowly it became a part of my daily routines, and slowly that festering rage began to die away.

One year. I haven't screamed at them in one whole year.  I'm not saying I've achieved perfection, there's always something I'm working on. I'm just saying I haven't screamed in a year, and the cool thing is, I haven't felt that burning, simmering rage for so long, I have to think about it to remember what it was like.

Birthdays and weddings and graduation and new jobs are all important to mark and celebrate.  But so are these little victories too, the ones that change the part of your life no one knows about.

Return to Me

It's complicated.

In the past 30 years or so, I failed to develop much in the way of self worth. I learned how to fake it, a smile and a happy heart.  But secretly I believed that I only had what I had because I'd managed to trick people into thinking that I would be a good wife, good mother and good employee - and if I was good enough, I would be able to hold it together. This is the story of how it all fell apart.

In June of 2013 I walked away from my teaching job utterly broken. I felt like I had lost everything. I lost teaching at a school I loved because people who I trusted, who told me they loved my Jesus, lied and summarily brought down not only my little world, but everything I felt I knew about myself. I felt like if I wasn't a popular teacher, admired by my students, in my safe little school, then who was I? I felt worthless, a burden on everyone around me, and I was scared. It was like I could sense crisis looming, like watching a dam bulge right before it bursts, and trying to plug my fingers and toes into the leaks to hold it together.

In my haste to put off living without a job, I grabbed onto the first easy solution that came my way - and though I was blessed yet again in meeting good people, I felt like I was suffocating in my own insufficiency. When that job ended harshly and abruptly, and I was rejected for a job that I thought was perfect for me, it seemed to confirm every insecurity I had about myself.  See, this is exactly what you deserve, you heard what they said - they called you ineffective, worthless, insignificant, unimportant, talentless, unlucky, and lost.

And the question that haunted me: If you aren't a teacher then who are you? 

Nothing.
Nobody.
Not Good Enough.
 
I believed it all, and I was so angry. The anger started to spill over into my marriage, my family, and I didn't know how to stop it. I was jealous when people told me that they'd been blessed, and I demanded to know why God loved them more than me. I cried, and raged, and felt sorry for myself - and when I realized that wasn't working, I decided to see if there was any stock in this relationship with God. I had to come from a place where I actually prayed, God - you get me the interview and I will do the rest, to a place of complete reliance on him. I thought that if I didn't bother God too much, we could stay a respectful distance away from each other, and I wouldn't have to be hurt if he didn't hold up his end of our relationship. 

The problem was, I had to make a heart change, and from here I can say - not only has it been slow, it's ongoing.

In October 2013 I had a breakthrough. I was sitting on the couch watching a Bible study on TV with Beth Moore, and felt God's presence so strongly. I had the impression that he was sitting there with me. Beth Moore was speaking and said - You think you are waiting on God, when in reality what you are waiting for is an event. Those words struck me like someone physically knocked the air out of me. It was true. I was sitting around begging God for a new job because THAT was what would fix all of my anger, resentment and feelings of worthlessness. I wanted to put a bandage on a broken arm.  That realization was exhilarating, I was finally ready to do the work I needed to do, on myself, and I could finally see my "current season of unemployment" as an opportunity to do just that. I started having a counseling session once a week and changing the way I did life.

As a person, I DID have worth.
Confronting pain in the past moves you forward in the future.
I could rest in the love of God, because I was valuable to him.
I hadn't irrevocably screwed up my kids or husband - there was still time.

I don't have it all figured out, I still experience anxiety and the temptation to go back to where I was, to revisit who I was, but God changed things for me. I could rest in him, I could Trust in the Lord with all of (my) heart, and lean not on (my) own understanding, in all (my) ways acknowledge him, and he would direct (my) paths. Proverbs 3:5-6 I think that the little victories come day by day, as I realize that this walk is about Christ, and not about me.  I can revel in his love for me, and share his love with others.

God heard me. He gave us our beautiful daughter S, and just when I wasn't expecting it - he answered my prayers.  God provided me with the right job at the right time.  He fulfilled the desire of my heart to work at Kings, and I know that I can rely on him in all things. He does have a good plan.



So, as someone wise once said, sometimes things fall apart so that better things can fall together, under the care of a God who loves so much.

 

12 Things I Wish I Knew Before 32...A Birthday Manifesto of Sorts

I have come across some truths in life - gleaned from the little bit of experience I have started to collect. 

1. Assessing someone based on one meeting, one moment or even a lifetime of moments, is not nearly enough information to pass judgement on...at least sit with them and have coffee first, truth of character is more easily ascertained over something hot and caffeinated. 

2. I am an introvert. It's not a disease, it's just a quieter form of existence. I accept it.

3. Experiencing love and laughter, grief and tears really does rub those rough edges off of the person I thought I was, and makes me the person that I was created to be.

4. Friendship isn't difficult to maintain when I only expect the other person to be who God created them to be.

5. My happiness depends on only one person: Me.

6. If, when I am standing up for myself, I demean the person I am standing up to, then I have only succeeded in diminishing my own character.

7. Forgiving people isn't just hard, it's necessary.

8. Focusing on ME ME ME, opens me up to diseases of the soul like anger, bitterness, pride, and unforgiveness.

9. Not wanting to do something doesn't negate the fact that I CAN do it - and feel better once it's done.

10. The number of "likes" I get on Facebook, though nice, do not determine my self worth.

11. Parenting is the greatest, amazing, most difficult journey, that I so desperately want to get right.

12. Change should actually be called growth - and growth is a slow, steady forward movement that may take days, months or years where successes are reached step by step.

For those of you who have just a few years on 32,  you may relate to an assessment made frequently by George R.R. Martin, "You know nothing, Jon Snow." I can only contend this, you are probably right.  As I consider these statements, I have come to realize that the only way I can operate my life in these truths is to have Christ at the very center and core of myself, and put my relationship with him first. Because when it is finally not about ME, and instead is about Christ, I can hope to bring his light and love into the world. It is only then I can hope to walk in the greatest love, shown to me in the lives of people like CS Lewis, Fred Rogers and Irena Sendler. That is my mandate, that is my goal, to listen to and love this world, and I am excited for the adventure!

Hot Jambalaya!

Delicious and Spicy Slow Cooker Jambalya

This recipe has been one of our long standing favorites.  I happen to love it for a few more reasons than just its delicious flavor.  The first, is that not all slow cooker recipes are created equal - this is one of the greats.  The simple way it comes together, it can be prepared hours ahead of time, and the delicious aroma that floats around our house, makes it irresistible - especially on a cold, snowy winter's day.  Well fortunately, today is not one of those days, and even though we've had a few adventures with this meal - it won't cook if you don't plug in the cooker, and mistakenly putting a tablespoon of cayenne into the pot, instead of a tablespoon of paprika will SIGNIFICANTLY increase the spicy - it is my pleasure to share it with you dear reader.

Adorable Kitchen Helper

Slow Cooker Jambalaya
(Adapted from Colleen's Slow Cooker Jambalaya on allrecipes.com)

2 Medium Onions Diced
4 Stalks of Celery Diced
2 Green Peppers Diced
2.5 Chorizo Sausages cut into rounds
8 Chicken Thighs cut into bite sized pieces
2 Cups of Water
2 Tbsp Chicken Better than Bullion
4 Tbsp Creole Seasoning*
1 32oz tin of Diced Tomato
1lb frozen Cooked Shrimp (optional)

*We use a home made Creole Seasoning, recipe below.

Creole Seasoning
(allrecipes.com)

1 1/4 tsp Onion Powder
1 1/4 tsp Garlic Powder
1 1/4 tsp Dried Oregano
1 1/4 tsp Dried Basil
1/2 tsp Dried Thyme
1/2 tsp Black Pepper
1/2 tsp White Pepper
1/2 tsp Cayenne
1 Tbsp Paprika
1 3/4 tsp Salt

1. Dice vegetables, chicken and sausage, combine in slow cooker.
2. Add Creole Seasoning, water and bullion (or chicken broth).
3. Cook on high for 4-6 hours. Stir occasionally.
4. Add 2 cups of minute rice, cook until well mixed in and ready.
5. Add shrimp (For those of you lucky ones who live in houses who eat shrimp...)

Another adorable helper.

Costco Chorizo Sausage

This recipe turns out delicious every single time we cook it, and it is very flexible as far as what can be added to it, or subtracted from it. Make it spicier - add extra cayenne, change the type of sausage, or add extra shrimp. If you don't like minute rice, cook rice on the side and serve!  Enjoy everyone! 

All ready to go!

It is exhausting work!

Adventures in Cooking: Indian Spiced Roasted Chicken

Ok, so I'm not a food blogger. I'm just someone who likes to blog (Is that a verb?). Anyway, there are times I find myself befuddled, with absolutely nothing profound to say, and yet, I have an insatiable desire to BLOG - about something, anything.  It seems that lately my life has been overwhelmed by being MOM, and so the only real thoughts I have about daily life are often wrapped up in mundane questions, like - when did the baby eat last? what time does the bus come? what on earth would make THAT stain? and most often -  what are we eating for dinner?

A snapshot of my daily life.

In answer to the last, pinterest has been a literal wealth of ideas and I am drawn to simple, unique recipes that my family might enjoy. Left up to my own dinner ideas, we would probably be eating a weekly rotating cycle of stirfrys, tacos, and pasta, so here's to something new. Since I like to use pinterest as more than just a place to organize pictures, I thought why not share some of these successes and failures? At least it gives me something to write about. 

My recipe is slightly different than the one in the link below, but I will detail what I used.


Adapted From: Indian Spiced Roasted Chicken (Originally found on simply-delcious-food.com) 

Serves 6 - 8
Cooking Time: 2 Hours

2 Whole Chickens
3 Tbsp Red Curry Paste
2 Cups Plain Yogurt
6 Tbsp Garam Masala
4 Tsp Salt
2-3 Tbsp Lime Juice

1. Preheat oven to 350'
2. In a bowl combine yogurt, curry paste, spices and lime juice.
3. Rub mixture over chicken, put extra marinade into cavity of chicken.
4. Place in oven at 350' for 45mins, increase heat to 425' cook for around an 1 hr 15mins, check regularly on chickens to be sure the spices aren't burning.

The sauce was messy but delicious!

*Refer to original recipe for more detailed instructions. 

As I mixed my chicken marinade, I found that the red curry paste was quite spicy, you may want to reduce the amount in your own version.   I paired this chicken with another Pinterest recipe called Kung Pao Cauliflower. I will detail that recipe another time - but it is the first time I have seen my kids literally GOBBLE down cauliflower and ask for more.

So, how did all of this spicy chicken go over with the kids, you may ask....

Surprisingly well. M told me he liked dinner so much he felt like he should thank me twice for it, and O ate without the usual amount of coercion.  S had formula, and she thought it was top notch. For myself, I thought the chicken had fabulous flavor, I think that it might be a recipe to try on something like wings in the future. I think the only other change I would make is to use a yogurt that's less thick, or thin it out with something so that it wasn't so much of a paste on the chicken - it will be about finding the balance between something that will stick to the chicken, but not cake itself on. I also found that where the recipe recommends a change in cooking temperature, the sauce on the top of the chicken burned far too quickly, and so I reduced heat and kept it at 350'.

Beautifully roasted, the meat was delicious and juicy!

And there you have it, my first attempt at celebrating my epicurious side.
To Eat and Enjoy. 

God Talks

I don't know how God talks to other people. I only know how he talks to me. Now, of course, imagining how God might talk to me, always sounds one way in my head - for example: 

Me: GOD!
God: It's so nice to hear from you, what can I do for you, my dear?
Me: GOD! Did you see that driver? The one in the blue car? They cut me off! 
God: I did see that! The nerve. It's a good thing I created you to be a perfect driver, make sure as you swerve around them and cut them off, then flip them off. It's ok - just this once - after all, as God, I give you permission to take down  that complete moron driver, confront him! Don't let him think that you are going to be pushed around on these crazy roadways!

In reality, it usually sounds something more like this. 

Me: GOD!
God: Yes? It's nice to talk to you today.
Me: Did you see that driver? The one in the blue car? They cut me off!!
God: I know, and I made you aware of them, you avoided them, you and your family are safe. 
Me: But did you see that? I hate people who drive like idiots!
God: Do you remember driving to your sister's last week?
Me: Yes...
God: You cut off a man in a truck. Actually worse than what happened to you today. 
Me: But the baby was screaming, and I was distracted...
God: I know, I kept him safe on that day from you.  Drive carefully. 

Ok, at this point you either think I am totally off my nut - or you have experienced these kinds of talks with God too. If you happen to think I am off my nut, that's ok - I'd be happy to listen to, and talk to you about my relationship with Jesus.  If you also have had these talks - then you know what I mean. 

Lately, though I've run into situations with individuals who think that they have been specifically given a WORD FROM GOD to go and knock (usually) someone who has offended them, over the head with what GOD has to say - and feel completely justified doing it, after all God told them too. 

So, here's the thing.  We, as Christians, are supposed to be doing things like "going into all the world" and sharing with others our personal relationship with Jesus. Instead we have taken it upon ourselves to hold onto offenses and then beat the holy snot out of these people who have offended us, by using God as an excuse to do the beating. Have we all gone out of our minds?  I was listening to a challenging sermon lately that rang true with me. The pastor was talking about loving our enemies. He pointed out, that our enemies were NEVER found within the four walls of our church. NEVER. We have a mandate to love and forgive every person who claims the title "Christian". The instruction to love our enemies was intended to be focused outward on a hurting world that doesn't know the peace that comes from a relationship with Christ. 

Honestly, hearing some recent stories of Christians full on attacking other Christians, makes me question my own desire to be a Christian.  I can only imagine the impact it has on people who are watching Christians - and these are the people who NEED to be loved for Christ.  Yet, we spend our time blasting one another.

Now, I'm not saying it's easy, and the hurts that some people bear can seem overwhelming and insurmountable.  All of us Christians aren't perfect, we're on a walk, and sometimes that walk takes a lifetime, but I am starting to think that forgiveness is the key.  Oh man - and it's HARD. When I have to forgive someone, at first it is like I want to rage and scream and tell the world how it's so unfair, but when I finally really do forgive...it gets a bit easier. So far, in this experiment I call life, I've noticed two things - not only does it get easier to forgive, but my litmus test for forgiving is that somehow I am able to forget. After a while, I will think of a person who offended me, and if I literally have a difficult time remembering what exactly they have done to offend me, then I know I must have forgiven them.

It's not usually up to us, people, to go tell other Christians where they have gone off the rails.  God will tell them, and in the mean time, I can love them and pray for them - and often I will find something in me that makes me either ask for forgiveness, or pray to forgive. 

Life really is better out here.  More joyful, more peaceful, more exciting, more challenging, in a place where love and forgiveness walk hand in hand.  

 
 
 

Bred Different...

Every now and then, I stop, look around and take stock of things impacting my life...

- The expectation that I should be a certain kind of wife and mother
- The complacency to allow my children to be raised by and overrun by a defective society that would ultimately shape their future
- The assumption that I should be able to have any material thing that I want
- The presumption that I should be able to have and dictate Christianity on my own terms


I could shrink back in fear, be overwhelmed and ultimately say -  "Well what can I really do?" Give up and that's it. But, as I was considering that option, I looked at myself in the mirror and thought You are willing to admit immediate defeat, when you haven't even suited up for a battle?

No Way.

I am not Super Mom, Soccer Mom, Hockey Mom, or any sports-related kind of Mom.  I am not Skinny Mom, Organic Mom, Helicopter Mom, Brainy Mom, Tech Mom, Buddy Mom or Pushover Mom. I strongly believe that my children should have boundaries, like behavioral expectations that they can understand, set bedtimes, family chores and mealtimes, times when I know they will react negatively to a decision that I have made, or they may downright dislike me, but that they ultimately know my decisions in regards to them are because they are the most important human beings in my world. I am responsible for them, not accountable to them, and that means being proactive. Developing a relationship now, that's not always flowers and rainbows, but that creates a protection, a peace, a security in this realm that we call home. So that down the road when the things that come that would shape their precious hearts and minds, they will know it is safe to come to MOM to get some kind of wisdom about it. 

My van has a crack in the windshield. The pipe that connects our sink to the basement is defective and clogs and leaks at least once a year.  We have closet doors that will literally fall off and smack you in the head if you aren't opening them properly, and there is a constant battle between us, the ants and the weeds that inhabit our yard.  It's easy when I focus on these things to look at all of the things I don't have...and want.  Like a newer home with newer appliances, built in a newer subdivision, with a bright and shiny car parked out front.  So, when people ask where do you live, I don't have to hang my head and say - a duplex...IN BEVERLY....The compulsion to buy, buy, BUY, can set me into distinct turmoil.  But, from now on, I refuse! Yes, I know we are having a third baby in a home that doesn't have a third bedroom, but it's time to get my priorities in order - to stop believing the advertising! A new house won't make me happy, or take away the obligations and pressures of a mortgage and taking care of a home. It doesn't matter if people judge me by the van I drive, it's MINE, free and clear! I am happy to work for the things that I want, and in the meantime be grateful for the things that I have. 

As a Christian, it's about time I grow up and learn that this life isn't actually all about me. It's about Christ, and living my life for him.  It means that I don't have the luxury of being offended, I have the obligation to forgive - as I have been forgiven - even when I don't understand. It means that instead of judging people, that I must love them, and look for ways that I can serve them. God isn't my Genie that I rub up against now and then when things aren't so convenient for me - and ask him to grant all of my wishes - he is my savior who wants a daily, personal relationship with me. It means that I will stop crucifying other Christians, that I will stand up for what I believe in - while loving others, and that I will not expect my pastor or my church to live out my Christianity for me.  

For the next fifty-two weeks or so, I am embarking on another life journey.  I am having our third baby, and it means more time at home building relationship with my husband and children, and trusting God to walk with us through each day.  I am expecting such good things, and knowing what I want, and how I am determined to live gives me challenges enough to fill the next year. It's not about perfection, it's about a sweetness of spirit and a determination to change, be proactive, and LIVE this great life.