Found Waiting

Is there anything in the world worse than waiting? I know it can be annoying to have to stand in line while the woman in front of you counts out $67. 83 in quarters, or to be stuck in traffic beside the people, who just like you saw the construction signs miles away, and think that it's your obligation to hold up the cars behind you to allow them space, but I mean the waiting for those things that never seem like they are ever going to come.  That is precisely the place I've found myself in for the last 110 days (but who's counting?). 

I've found myself in every imaginable emotion for someone who feels like they've lost control of their carefully constructed little world. I've felt anger - at myself, and at times at others who I could blame for putting me in this situation, even at God for seeming to be so absent and relatively obtuse, sadness and loss, desperation, failure, anxiety, and fear - about just about anything, sometimes as simple as leaving the house, and other times fear that everything I said I believed, like God has a plan, was a lie.  The one thing I have been truly blessed with, is people who care, and people who will sit with me for hours as we talk this through, full of encouragement and promise - but there were times when I would sit and listen and think - I'm not getting the good side of this. They don't really understand.

Just recently I started watching a DVD Bible Study Series that was purchased for me months ago. It's called It's Tough Being a Woman, and is a Bible Study with a woman named Beth Moore.  The first session I watched, I had high hopes for the series, I wanted it to be all about a pity party for me, telling me lovely platitudes like, Oh honey, I know you have it so hard, but one day you're going to wake up and be famous, loved by all, and you'll never have to go through anything hard ever again - because God is very sorry that your life didn't turn out the way you wanted it, or something like that.  Not surprisingly, this was not at all what it has been about, especially not for me. This series explores the book of Esther in the Bible, and goes into depth discussing this book.  I can't go into it all, or this post would be way too long, but, it has been a blessing to me.  

For a long time, I've felt like I can't talk to God, or hear from God, and the reason is, I don't want to hear what he has to say, afraid of what he has to say.  Today, while listening to Beth Moore speak, I felt God speaking to me and he was talking about waiting.  I don't like to wait, and frankly, I'm afraid of having to wait.  Instead, when things are all in control, and in my own hands, then I don't have to wait for anything and life can carry on the way I like it.  He brought up the fact that I don't like waiting so much, that I put it off, for YEARS, and stayed at a job because I was afraid to have to wait on him, and believe that he would provide me another job. I think I was always afraid, that if I waited for him, that he might never turn up. So, today in Bible Study, Beth Moore was talking about waiting, and she said something that so felt like God was talking to me, that I couldn't help but share it.

Isaiah 41: 30 says: 

But those who hope (wait)in the Lord  will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint.

To be totally honest, I've heard that verse a lot. I have had no clue at all what it actually means.  It always seemed to me, that if I wait on the Lord, I might just be waiting a good long time, and the opportunities would all pass me by.  But, Beth Moore said something so interesting, so profound that it shook me from the toes up.  She said (paraphrasing), People don't wait on the Lord, they wait on an EVENT.  We spend so much of our time putting faith into an event happening, like for example, getting a new job, that we end up depleting our strength.  This hit me right between the eyes. I'm not waiting on the Lord, I'm waiting on a new job, as if that will be the answer to all of my issues, we'll have enough money again, I can be proud of the fact that I have a job, I can feel a purpose in life, whatever it is I believe in the event, instead of in my savior.  It occurred to me, how much better waiting on the Lord is.  This concept, is echoed so beautifully in another passage that my Mom sent to me just this week.

Psalm 37: 4-5 which says: 

Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires and secret petitions of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord – roll and repose (each care of) your load on Him; trust (lean on, rely on and be confident) also in Him and He will bring it to pass.

 

Again, I never really knew what this was about. I didn't understand how I could delight myself in the Lord, without him thinking I was just doing it to get something out of it.  But, it makes so much sense, that if I can wait (hope) in the Lord, then he already knows that I need a new job, and he is already working to bring that about.  As I wait on him, and put my hope in him, then I am refreshed, renewed and I can handle the challenges that await me when I do get a new job.  If I am waiting on him, I don't have to stress over why a prospective employer hasn't called me.  But, when I am waiting for the JOB, then I am already spent and drained by the time I get to the job. So, then what is waiting on the Lord? Delighting in the Lord? I think that it's sitting with him, talking to him and listening to what he has to say.  Not being afraid of what he has to say - as I have been for so long.  Changing my focus, means trusting God fully, and not just trusting him for a thing, but trusting him because he loves me.

 

I don't know, maybe this is like Christian 101 for everyone else, but knowing that I have been putting my trust in an event, rather than in God frees me to know that instead I can trust in God, that I can rest in him, and wait in him. It doesn't matter what job comes along, because one will, it only matters that I wait in the Lord, because he has what's best for me, for all of us. For the first time in 110 days, I know that I am free.  

 

 

So, You Had A Bad Day...

It really hasn't happened to me that often, when I stop, take a look around and wonder, I think my luck has turned...and by that I mean, turned, like the sour cream does in our fridge sometimes. You know, when it fizzes, and hidden deep in in the layers are land mines of green-blue, fuzzy mold, threatening to destroy the very fabric of your carefully laid nachos.  Lately, that seems to be the way things have gone. 

It started with me missing a phone call that my son was throwing up at school, and was quickly followed by an all night puke-a-thon, a (still) missing orange Tabby, frustration that the people looking for employees, don't seem to be as "on the ball" as I would like, a call for a toilet plunger, a near death experience that included a hot cast iron frying pan, and two steaks "getting air", as it were, across the kitchen, and culminating in that shining moment when the red and blue lights of a police car lit up the night behind me, resulting in a significant fine for what I would consider to be a "lucky" catch by our brave EPS Officers.  (To all of my non-criminal reader friends, make sure you have the CORRECT insurance card in your vehicle, a pile that are out-of-date really don't actually count).  

I know, compared to poverty and world hunger, what really am I complaining about? And the obvious answer to that is, nothing. Though, that really doesn't negate the fact, that everyone has a bad day, (or series of days) every now and then.  I know that sometimes people look at it as a punishment, God, what did I ever do to you? but I don't see it that way.  I believe that God has a lot more love, and overall, things to do, than make my life miserable just for the sake of making it miserable.  Is it a challenge? A test? Maybe, and I wish I could say I definitely passed with flying colors, but how can it be considered a test, when the problem is of my own making? I turned my phone down - that's why I didn't hear it, I neglected to take the insurance card out to the van for weeks, so - my fault. 

What if, it's count your blessings. It occurred to me, that just might be it. Maybe it's just easier to recognize the things that go wrong, instead of the things that go right. Those were harder to come by, but slowly as I thought them through, I could find them. When M was sick at school, he recovered very quickly, and we had several dear friends check in on him. Even though I got my ticket on Thursday night, it was book club night, and what a beautiful conversation we had together.  Speaking of that same ticket, the Officer told me that when one can't present proof of their insurance, it's an automatic court date - but, she waived it for me, and I only had to pay a fine. The flying frying pan's only casualty was two upside down steaks on the floor, and as far as looking for a job goes, I've had such wonderful days with my kids, and opportunities to look into different jobs that might be for me, this respite has been a blessing.  

This is "getting through, the going through", it's about knowing that God hasn't forgotten about you, even when things go wrong.  



  

Never. Never. Never Give Up

I haven't written in a while.  I think that could be because I don't want to beat over and over on the same drum that sounds like job, job, job.  During this time I have been reminded over and over how blessed I am, I've had precious moments with my children that I have cherished, coveted, and celebrated with so much pleasure that I want it to last forever, but know it's a season.  Of course I'm torn in two, between being just a Mama, and having such a strong desire to teach, between parenting and paying bills.  Several times I've lamented my inability to see the future, asked God that I would be able to, but so far he seems to instead be giving me opportunity to be content.  To actively be content means believing that I am where God wants me to be and that I don't want to rush ahead.  It's just in those really quiet moments where doubt sneaks in, and I feel like giving up.  But, the moment passes, and I think...

Never. Never. Never Give Up

I don't know what you it is you are dreaming about, hoping for, wanting. Now, I don't think that things we want just materialize themselves if we sit around and want long enough, I know that we have to participate in working to bring things about, but don't give up on your dreams - the simple, or even the complex.  

I was putting together a poem anthology for a grade 12 class I was in, and my Dad mentioned that this was his favorite poem.  It's gritty, and real to me, and reflects small moments in my life, when I need to remember where I've come from, and where I'm going.  

THE QUITTER - Robert William Service

When you're lost in the Wild, and you're scared as a child,
And Death looks you bang in the eye,
And you're sore as a boil, it's according to Hoyle
To cock your revolver and . . . die.
But the Code of a Man says: "Fight all you can,"
And self-dissolution is barred.
In hunger and woe, oh, it's easy to blow . . .
It's the hell-served-for-breakfast that's hard.

"You're sick of the game!" Well, now, that's a shame.
You're young and you're brave and you're bright.
"You've had a raw deal!" I know -- but don't squeal,
Buck up, do your damnedest, and fight.
It's the plugging away that will win you the day,
So don't be a piker, old pard!
Just draw on your grit; it's so easy to quit:
It's the keeping-your-chin-up that's hard.

It's easy to cry that you're beaten -- and die;
It's easy to crawfish and crawl;
But to fight and to fight when hope's out of sight --
Why, that's the best game of them all!
And though you come out of each gruelling bout,
All broken and beaten and scarred,
Just have one more try -- it's dead easy to die,
It's the keeping-on-living that's hard. 

You know, that Stranger I live with...my Husband.

Ok, so don't get me wrong, I've been married for what some would call a good while, for example in Hollywood we've already passed our Golden Anniversary, but as I looked over at my best bud for life I couldn't help thinking, I want to do something with him...but what? I mean, we're married, I love him, we get along well, we like to talk to each other and watch old Star Trek episodes together, we have two beautiful kids, but what on EARTH do we like to do together? Be forewarned: This is not one of those blogs about marriage that has all of the answers - those are out there, trust me, Google it.  You will find no answers here friend, only more questions.  Using the aforementioned super searcher, we actually looked up THINGS COUPLES CAN DO TOGETHER ONCE THEIR KIDS ARE ASLEEP.  I am happy to inform those of you who are newly married, that of the lists of things that we found, we have successfully mastered their suggestions in only eight years.  Some of the top suggestions were as follows: 

1. Watch a favorite show together - check and check. We don't just watch SHOWS together, we watch entire SERIES together, Firefly and Dr. Who being amongst our favorites, but I have to say - Though Malcolm Reynolds is easy on the eyes, in his leather holster and spaceship, can you blame a girl for wanting some of that good old fashioned TIME together that we craved as a young couple? But, answering this begs the question, what is it that we did together all the time to make us want to spend our lives together? I actually can't come up with a solid answer...shiny.

2. Make Out/Write Each Other Love Letters: Reading these suggestions made me cringe a little.  Seriously - for the rest of my life, every night, you want me to write a love letter?  Creativity people, there can be a limit to how often I compliment his ruggedly handsome physique - I don't know, it might start to feel disingenuous. Also, don't get me wrong, making out and cuddling are great, but again, the kids got to bed at 7:30, and the above mentioned are kind of time sensitive activities. Marathon make-out sessions end in chapped faces that you must later explain away by blaming the overly dry Edmonton weather - just a word of caution.

3. Share a Favorite Snack: This one, we've done once too often, I'm afraid.  There's nothing like a bowl of popcorn, or our standard favorite, chips and salsa. (Usually while watching a favorite show - TWO at the same time - Don't try this at home, we're professionals) But, back to the problem - this being one of our favorites, the truth is, we've put diet restrictions on ourselves. I don't know if you can, when you're at home, but eat a certain amount of snacks and the treadmill starts to leer at me every time I pass it, as if it is saying, come to me, you who are heavy, and I will TORTURE it off.  I know, exercising is important, and working out as a couple can be a good pass time...but it for SURE crosses suggestion number 2 off the list, getting close to someone when they're sweaty is not the best fun I've ever had.

4. Ultimately it was what boiled down to Make More Babies: Again, fun. But - isn't this the very thing that put us at home before 7pm on a Friday night to begin with? Now, don't anybody get on my case, ok? I wouldn't trade my precious kids for a million late nights out, it's not nights out that I want. I want to know my kid's Dad.  Another part of me couldn't believe this was an actual suggestion. C'mon people, I thought this one was sort of obvious. Intimacy can't be left out of the equation or nothing in a marriage works right, but there's so much more to marriage than just that. 

Besides I want to know who my husband is, know what he likes, know what I like - and DO THAT together.  I don't want to live the next fifteen or so years in my house with someone I don't know, and have one of those epic-movie worthy-crises when I'm fifty and have missed out on the partnership part of being married for twenty five years.  I want him to like me, like spending time with me, and I want the same of him. 

Writing about marriage is tough - it's why I don't do it very often.  It's personal, and for some reason it's supposed to be perfect.  Writing about it makes it vulnerable, and transparent.  It makes it seem like it is teetering precariously on the edge of the big D word, and that's uncomfortable.  So, what do you do?  What do we do? Tonight we played Scrabble (so far I'm beating him). But before that, we talked and laughed a bit at ourselves, about not knowing what to do with one another - and I liked that.  Maybe it isn't actually about BIG activities, or specific things to "do", but sharing our time together wisely.  I don't have all the answers - remember?

So, here's a question, what do you like to do with the love of your life? How do you spend the "off" hours together? I know there's things out there that I just haven't thought of yet, and there's a lot of you wise ones out there with really good, long lasting marriages, who have gone through the "home at 7" phase - what do you do?  How do you, my dear friends, build your marriages? 

Thanks for reading. Really.

Spiderman Backpacks and Indoor Shoes: Notes from a First-Time Nervous Teacher-Mom

1. My Baby

I remember when he needed me for everything. Eating, drinking, pooping, loving. EVERYTHING. Forgive me when I over zealously protect him, or eye other small kindergarteners suspiciously, and loudly demand to you that he is clearly a genius. It's all a cover for the fact that, I'm a little sketched out about the truth that I know in my heart as a teacher - he's ready to learn to do things on his own.  He's ready to learn to read novels and write literature and to solve complex equations, and change the world.  But I know something as a Mama, I never knew as a teacher before - he'll always be my baby.
 

2. Look at that Face

When he was about ONE, I seemed to think that things like Kindergarten and friends, and school aged childhood was a millennium away.  Please understand that this has all cropped up on me kind of quickly.  As a teacher, I never really thought about that before - but it's a big change for families who, up to this Sunny September morning, have always just been at home, safe and always protected.  Be patient with me, but when images of childhood rejection, frustration and hurt fill my imagination, I wish that he could have stayed this size forever so that no one can ever hurt him.  As a teacher, it is an important part of my job to teach students to treat each other with love, kindness and respect that they will take with them into adulthood.  SO, I know you'll do that too - I know.

 3. Too Cool

I want to tell you how neat he is.  How he says the funniest things, the sweetest things.  I want to make sure you know that he is so creative, so interesting, and so intelligent. I want you to know that I crave each moment of the day that I get to spend with him, and I'm a little jealous of you.  I'm jealous of the little moments that I'm going to miss, now that he's with you. The moments that might not be quite the same when he tells me about them later.  But, as a teacher I know that you treasure things too.  That they are the moments that build up a career, and give you the ability and strength to go back day after day, and bring light and learning to a new set of brand new learners every year.  I'll know it, when he goes on and on about how wonderful you are - his Kindergarten teacher - and know that he is learning and growing and changing.  

4. Precious/Precocious

Believe most things he says, and deeply question others.  

I promise that he does more than play wii all day long.

When he corrects you, or defends his pen grip, or reminds you about something that you forgot to do, or tells you I already know that...remember that I thank you in advance for your kind smile, and the eye roll you kept in your head.

If during carpet time he keeps getting up and leaving the circle to fight invisible villians behind the play house - he comes by it honestly, and is compelled by his imagination to take action. 

 

5. Helping Hands, Willing Hearts

I promise that when he's had a difficult day I will listen and not be defensive.  I defer myself to your expertise.

I promise not to always blame the other kid. 

I promise to listen with an open heart, to hear what you have to say, and pay attention to your recommendations.





 

6.  First Kindergarten - then the WORLD.

Maybe it's just nerves because this first for me, and for him is the beginning of a LOT of firsts.  It is  unequivocal evidence that he is growing up. His future - his adventure is what he needs to chase now.  It is just the start of me letting him go into the world, letting him experience new things and do things without me.  To fulfill the purpose that God has for him. I'm glad that I have people like you to help me along. 

His little hands stole my heart...and his little feet ran away with it.

Consequence Road

Lately when I get up in the morning and those stressed out little thoughts that push at the back of my mind start up, You didn't get a call yesterday, School is starting in a few days - what makes you think they'll call you? All those people who told you this is where you'd be, we're right. Don't you wish you'd listened to them.  It's hard to remember when this happens that this is what I chose. I chose to walk away. I know why I chose to walk, I think it was because I finally decided that I am worth something - and no one person is going to make me feel otherwise.  But, that's not always easy to remember when I stare things like possible long term unemployment, making ends meet, and watching my dreams  fade to the background for another year, in the face. 

But, I've been learning something.  To risk sounding cliched - it does seem to be about the journey and not the destination.  There are things I want to accomplish in my life, places I want to visit and goals that I want to achieve, but today is just one step.  As I cuddled with my kids on the couch, I felt new hope.  I enjoyed being with them, and even though it's not achieving one of my big dreams, I achieved a small one.  Every now and then I like to look back to my past self, and send a message from my future self.  I looked back at the past self that was worried that I would never have children, or a family, and I said to her - look what you've been blessed with.  So, maybe, sitting here there's a message from a future self that tells me the lyrics of my daughter's current favorite tune.  Don't worry. Be happy. May as well be happy - the alternative kind of stinks.  

Consequence road isn't necessarily a bad road to walk.  It doesn't seem to be a steady walk either, emotions present themselves as  a consistent challenge, and there's always that sense of entitlement or jealousy, and self pity, not to mention the nagging concern that I've put myself into a hole I can't get out of.  But, I'm starting to realize that's just a step along the journey.  The adventure is out there, and maybe, just maybe it doesn't look like I think that it does.  I forget to easily that God is the one who makes the difference, for me and for everyone else.  I don't understand what exactly he's working on, but it's something, and it's made up of moments that count.  Moments that will make the dreams better, the goals richer, when they do come. I know I'll appreciate them more, and I think that's a blessing.

Legacy of the Unwanted

Being a daughter isn't as easy as it looks.

Dear O,

Do you know that I wanted you, even before I knew if you were there? Even before I felt you move, stretch and kick at the boundaries of your dark, warm, snug world, I wanted to hold you. Did you know that we come from a family of beautiful, strong, intelligent women? That imprinted deep on the fabric of who we are, is grace, laughter, and compassion? We come from a legacy of women who have never had it easy, but who never give up - accomplishing many things in the quiet, dignified strength that women come by as a gift of our creation.

Sometimes, my Love, history is difficult to hear, hard to imagine.  It is something I am just learning myself recently, that our family actually isn't perfect, or always right.  We've done things, unintentionally or not, that cause wounds and scars, my Mother's Mother, my Mother, and me. In our brokenness, we've learned lies to be truth, I'm not wanted, I'm not worthy, I'm ugly, they go on, but I am here to tell you, they aren't true. Because we all wish that we could reach into the past, and correct the mistakes we've made, I want to get an early start on things, before the future becomes a past I can no longer change. Hurts run deep, my little one, and we can give excuses for hurting people, or brush them off as nothing, or hide behind them, but the problem is, those hurts can shape who we turn out to be.  Healing takes time, and though we are blessed that this healing has begun for us, it is my hope that you won't have to go through a healing process, like the one we have been experiencing.

Do you know that one of my favorite things to do when I was growing up, was listen to my Nona tell me stories about how things were for her, growing up? They made me laugh, I remember, but the thing about the past is, that we talk about the laughter more - letting it out, so that it floats around us, and holds us.  It gives us a sense of humanity and connection, but I think in some ways, it makes the hurts bury themselves deeper and deeper into those dark places in our hearts.  I can't admit some things, saying them out loud feels like they might make my chest explode. Always know that you can speak those things to me, that I will never judge you.  I can't always promise that I will understand why things happen, or be able to explain why you are hurting, or that I will even be able to make it better, or go away, but like someone once said to me, speaking it out loud takes its power to hurt away. I'm learning that judging a person, particularly someone close to you, leads to anger and resentment. But, when we can see each other in the broader perspective of our humanity it makes forgiveness something we can offer, when we're ready. Not easy, but necessary as we reach for freedom.

Here's the good part.  God has blessed our family. He saw my Mom, your Nona, in the midst of her hurt and circumstances and he loved her and wanted her more than anything in the world, and he met her - and saved her life forever.  She introduced me to Him, and I will introduce Him to you as you grow. Because the truth is, not only are we wanted, we are loved and cherished by Him. Do you know how much he loves us? He even brought my Nona, your Great-Grandmother to Him through my Mom. Why? Why take up the broken lot of us? Certainly not because of what we can do for him, for no other reason except that He loves us. He has changed things for us, we are found and not forgotten.  We are not left behind, but remembered.  We are important enough that He recognizes things happening in our lives like birthdays, and weddings and babies, he even pays attention to the smallest requests we make, like I'd really like fresh flowers on the table when guests arrive - and THAT happens.  In this we can realize the truth. We are not unwanted - it's actually the very opposite of that.  God wants us so much that he can't hold himself back - in fact he sent his son Jesus to earth to sacrifice his life so that we can be put in right standing before God.

My Dearest O, the legacy of the women of this family is strong.  The legacy of our family is Christ, his love and freedom in him.  Remember that no matter how this world tries to shape you, or change you, that is the truth. 

Love always, my precious girl,
Your Mama