Outside the Lines

 
I have never met anyone who is Transgender before. So, maybe I don't get out much, or maybe it's just that I...well, mostly don't get out much, but, a couple weekends ago our neighborhood church (not the one we attend, but one who has, notably, on more than one occasion taken the time to show that they care for our community) was having a multi-family garage sale.  They invited members of the community to purchase tables, and brought several people into the church who perhaps wouldn't have thought to attend otherwise.  Being that the garage sale was just at the end of our street, and really - who can turn down a good garage sale, we brought the kids for a  look around. 

One table caught their attention immediately. It was laden with light-sabres, star wars action figures and various other interesting toys and games. Now, having our "parenting" hats on, we looked at this as an opportunity to teach the kids a bit of fiscal responsibility. They had each been given some "pennies" and could make choices about what they might like to buy. This was when I noticed that the young lady at the table was transgender. Micah immediately reached for a light sabre (he had one at home, but a battle of light sabre's isn't a battle unless there is another light sabre). He asked the lady how much it was, and she told him, $5. He had only been given $3. Quietly Brad and I worked to explain to him that it was more money than he had. Immediately, even in understanding what Brad and I were trying to do, she asked Micah if he would take really good care of the light sabre. He assured her that he would, and she gave it to him for his $3. 

I really appreciated what she did for Micah. After all, her Star Wars collection was extensive, and in pristine condition. She was obviously a collector, and could have demanded a price too high for a little boy to pay.  (Brad and I made sure that she got the extra $2) But, as Olivia started to touch and look at all of the different figurines laid out in front of her, this lady didn't flinch or cringe or demand that I pull my four-year-old's hands off of her collection, instead she started to talk to me. Through our conversation I noticed that some interesting things that didn't happen.

She didn't ask if I was a Christian, or what I thought about Bruce Jenner.  She didn't explain her surgeries or how they worked to me, nor did she demand any kind of recognition or respect. She didn't flaunt her lifestyle or push it in my face, she just talked. I learned very quickly that she is an avid, and passionate collector. That she knows more about Star Wars figurines than most people would understand in a lifetime, and that what she really wanted from this garage sale was the opportunity to connect with people, share some of her things that were very special to her, and send them to good homes. It was a nice conversation, and it made me realize a few things.

One of the best parts of my job is that I get to connect with students on a daily basis. But something I am learning, is that in each of my interactions there is a balance for these students between, a level-headed confidence about their new direction in life - Teaching. Yet, at the same time, even though they are University Students who have completed a first degree, I have found that they all want to be told, "You are important, you are doing a good job. Don't worry about your mistakes, keep pressing on.  Everything is going to be ok." It was the same with this young lady from the garage sale. She wanted to know that she was important, and valued, and that the things she had to say were important and legitimate. It struck me that the things that this lady deals with every day by appearing so "different", were probably more heartbreaking than I could imagine. I don't know what it's like to feel like I don't fit in. I've always fit somewhere - and isn't it what we all want? To fit? To be loved and accepted as we are? As much as society purports to be welcoming to ALL people, we know that it is not. How can we expect to impact someone's life in a positive way, if we don't care about who they are, and take a risk to love them?

I think that in this one life, I want to be the kind of Christian, the kind of person who can look at people from all races, religions, places in life and truly love them. Because even in the darkness and depth of my own sin, Christ loved me. In the words of someone a lot smarter than me - Amazing grace! How sweet the sound, That saved a wretch like me!I once was lost, but now am found. Was blind, but now I see. 'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear, and grace my fears relieved. How precious did that grace appear, the hour I first believed.

 

Working Girls

If you live in a home with small children, you've probably had "the talk". You know the one, the one where you and your husband lean against the kitchen counters, arms crossed, each thinking as the dishwasher hums and swishes away in the background.  From your vantage point you take in the landscape which typically includes, a sticky but unidentifiable substance dripping from the table, a basket with laundry - clean, dirty, folded, unfolded, scattered toys, overturned shoes, various colors of playdoh and my favorite, those tiny landmines also known as dry cheerios hiding on the floor, just waiting for an unsuspecting someone to crush them into a powder.

"We could use the money."
"Daycare costs a fortune."
"I would love to have a conversation during the day that doesn't center around body functions."
"Who do we really want to raise OUR kids?" 
"The job can't just be any job, it would have to be worth it." 
"Can someone else love our kids like we do?"

So many words and emotions are wrapped up in this one thing, but five months ago, this is where I found myself. Going back to work. Of course, for those of you, my dear friends, who are stay-at-home Moms, you know as well as I do, that it isn't really going back to working, but more like transferring from one job to another. The truth is, the transfer happens with a significant deficit. 

Kids still need love, attention and care
The laundry still needs to be done
Groceries need to be bought
Food Prepared
Bathrooms Cleaned
Kids are tired because of the rigorous schedule
Mom feels like she took on a second job.

There are times where I see my world spinning crazy around me, chores piling up, demands from all sides, and I start to believe that I will never catch up with all of this...when I am interrupted by that always clear, somewhat condescending voice that says - You CHOSE this. At times this little voice is linked to a significant stab of something like guilt, because did I choose working over my kids? And then comes just a bit of agony - because there is a part of me that is heartbroken every day I see my kids pull away from the house with their Daddy on their way to share their precious day with someone else. I don't think that ever goes away.

But, I have started to learn that God hard-wired me in a really different way. I don't know if it's socially appropriate to admit it or not, but this Mama also loves going to work. I love interacting with teachers, and university students, and profs - I feel like this is the job I always wanted, I just never knew it. I don't feel like I am battling against some strong instinct that tells me I did the wrong thing, instead I think that I am coming to terms with some things about myself - beyond the excuse that, I HAD to go to work. Instead, God has created in me a love and passion for my children, a desire to build solid relationships with them as they grow in their faith and lives, but he has also given me a strong desire to work with students and my colleagues, toward a future. 

I guess that is where balance comes in. The time I get with my children has to be richer and purposeful.  Around the Education department, we talk about intentionality all the time, and that has changed the way I think about my kids. Being intentional in my interactions with them, no matter how exhausted I am, is what matters. I think that no matter if God made you to be a stay-at-home super Mom, or if he put the desire in you be the worker super Mom, it is the intentional interactions with our children that matter. Guilt, then, doesn't fit into the equation and we women, who love with our whole being, can walk in God's purposes for us, our families, our children.
 

That thing I don't want you to know about Me.

Just the other day, I realized that I had passed a significant anniversary for me. It's not one of those anniversary's you really celebrate, like a birthday, but instead one you pass in a kind of reflective contemplation.  For me, it was both happy and sad, happy that things are now the way they are...but sad because I spent so many years screaming.

It was how I knew to cope. I am not just talking about shouting either - that's different. I'm talking about an emotionally debilitating state in which I thought I could scream out the rage that was eating my insides.  The problem - I was screaming at the people I love most in this whole world, my family. My husband. My kids. It was cyclical for me. It would start out with me wanting to be happy, and show that I was happy and so it sent me to seek approval from my husband and kids. In all my "trying" to get approval, I started to find that no matter what my husband or kids did, it didn't fill that hole, and so I would get angry and blame them for all the things I felt that they were doing "wrong". The feelings would build, the emotion would build, and soon I would be at a bursting point, and inevitably I would burst, and scream and scream and scream. This cycle started out to at maybe once or twice a year I would lose it at this level, but as time and my marriage and all the pressures of that progressed, I found the episodes would come more quickly. Every six months, three months, six weeks, two weeks, until I thought one day that I would just be choked up in a screaming rage for the rest of my life. I was both aggressor and victim, I was becoming an abusive mother and wife.

Fortunately, it was about that time I contacted a counselor in order for her to fix everything that was clearly wrong with my husband. I wanted to be validated in my behavior, coddled and told "you poor dear." Thank God, that wasn't the counsel I got. Instead in one session, she said to me, "The screaming stops today." Of course, any sane person would agree, and so I did, but I can remember thinking...but how? and how will I be able to communicate with him (my husband)? Of course my counselor and I talked strategy, and I started to apply those things.  It was work, at first, to remember to stop and think to myself what is this really about? how do I get through to him without screaming? how do I love myself? But, slowly it became a part of my daily routines, and slowly that festering rage began to die away.

One year. I haven't screamed at them in one whole year.  I'm not saying I've achieved perfection, there's always something I'm working on. I'm just saying I haven't screamed in a year, and the cool thing is, I haven't felt that burning, simmering rage for so long, I have to think about it to remember what it was like.

Birthdays and weddings and graduation and new jobs are all important to mark and celebrate.  But so are these little victories too, the ones that change the part of your life no one knows about.

Return to Me

It's complicated.

In the past 30 years or so, I failed to develop much in the way of self worth. I learned how to fake it, a smile and a happy heart.  But secretly I believed that I only had what I had because I'd managed to trick people into thinking that I would be a good wife, good mother and good employee - and if I was good enough, I would be able to hold it together. This is the story of how it all fell apart.

In June of 2013 I walked away from my teaching job utterly broken. I felt like I had lost everything. I lost teaching at a school I loved because people who I trusted, who told me they loved my Jesus, lied and summarily brought down not only my little world, but everything I felt I knew about myself. I felt like if I wasn't a popular teacher, admired by my students, in my safe little school, then who was I? I felt worthless, a burden on everyone around me, and I was scared. It was like I could sense crisis looming, like watching a dam bulge right before it bursts, and trying to plug my fingers and toes into the leaks to hold it together.

In my haste to put off living without a job, I grabbed onto the first easy solution that came my way - and though I was blessed yet again in meeting good people, I felt like I was suffocating in my own insufficiency. When that job ended harshly and abruptly, and I was rejected for a job that I thought was perfect for me, it seemed to confirm every insecurity I had about myself.  See, this is exactly what you deserve, you heard what they said - they called you ineffective, worthless, insignificant, unimportant, talentless, unlucky, and lost.

And the question that haunted me: If you aren't a teacher then who are you? 

Nothing.
Nobody.
Not Good Enough.
 
I believed it all, and I was so angry. The anger started to spill over into my marriage, my family, and I didn't know how to stop it. I was jealous when people told me that they'd been blessed, and I demanded to know why God loved them more than me. I cried, and raged, and felt sorry for myself - and when I realized that wasn't working, I decided to see if there was any stock in this relationship with God. I had to come from a place where I actually prayed, God - you get me the interview and I will do the rest, to a place of complete reliance on him. I thought that if I didn't bother God too much, we could stay a respectful distance away from each other, and I wouldn't have to be hurt if he didn't hold up his end of our relationship. 

The problem was, I had to make a heart change, and from here I can say - not only has it been slow, it's ongoing.

In October 2013 I had a breakthrough. I was sitting on the couch watching a Bible study on TV with Beth Moore, and felt God's presence so strongly. I had the impression that he was sitting there with me. Beth Moore was speaking and said - You think you are waiting on God, when in reality what you are waiting for is an event. Those words struck me like someone physically knocked the air out of me. It was true. I was sitting around begging God for a new job because THAT was what would fix all of my anger, resentment and feelings of worthlessness. I wanted to put a bandage on a broken arm.  That realization was exhilarating, I was finally ready to do the work I needed to do, on myself, and I could finally see my "current season of unemployment" as an opportunity to do just that. I started having a counseling session once a week and changing the way I did life.

As a person, I DID have worth.
Confronting pain in the past moves you forward in the future.
I could rest in the love of God, because I was valuable to him.
I hadn't irrevocably screwed up my kids or husband - there was still time.

I don't have it all figured out, I still experience anxiety and the temptation to go back to where I was, to revisit who I was, but God changed things for me. I could rest in him, I could Trust in the Lord with all of (my) heart, and lean not on (my) own understanding, in all (my) ways acknowledge him, and he would direct (my) paths. Proverbs 3:5-6 I think that the little victories come day by day, as I realize that this walk is about Christ, and not about me.  I can revel in his love for me, and share his love with others.

God heard me. He gave us our beautiful daughter S, and just when I wasn't expecting it - he answered my prayers.  God provided me with the right job at the right time.  He fulfilled the desire of my heart to work at Kings, and I know that I can rely on him in all things. He does have a good plan.



So, as someone wise once said, sometimes things fall apart so that better things can fall together, under the care of a God who loves so much.

 

12 Things I Wish I Knew Before 32...A Birthday Manifesto of Sorts

I have come across some truths in life - gleaned from the little bit of experience I have started to collect. 

1. Assessing someone based on one meeting, one moment or even a lifetime of moments, is not nearly enough information to pass judgement on...at least sit with them and have coffee first, truth of character is more easily ascertained over something hot and caffeinated. 

2. I am an introvert. It's not a disease, it's just a quieter form of existence. I accept it.

3. Experiencing love and laughter, grief and tears really does rub those rough edges off of the person I thought I was, and makes me the person that I was created to be.

4. Friendship isn't difficult to maintain when I only expect the other person to be who God created them to be.

5. My happiness depends on only one person: Me.

6. If, when I am standing up for myself, I demean the person I am standing up to, then I have only succeeded in diminishing my own character.

7. Forgiving people isn't just hard, it's necessary.

8. Focusing on ME ME ME, opens me up to diseases of the soul like anger, bitterness, pride, and unforgiveness.

9. Not wanting to do something doesn't negate the fact that I CAN do it - and feel better once it's done.

10. The number of "likes" I get on Facebook, though nice, do not determine my self worth.

11. Parenting is the greatest, amazing, most difficult journey, that I so desperately want to get right.

12. Change should actually be called growth - and growth is a slow, steady forward movement that may take days, months or years where successes are reached step by step.

For those of you who have just a few years on 32,  you may relate to an assessment made frequently by George R.R. Martin, "You know nothing, Jon Snow." I can only contend this, you are probably right.  As I consider these statements, I have come to realize that the only way I can operate my life in these truths is to have Christ at the very center and core of myself, and put my relationship with him first. Because when it is finally not about ME, and instead is about Christ, I can hope to bring his light and love into the world. It is only then I can hope to walk in the greatest love, shown to me in the lives of people like CS Lewis, Fred Rogers and Irena Sendler. That is my mandate, that is my goal, to listen to and love this world, and I am excited for the adventure!

Hot Jambalaya!

Delicious and Spicy Slow Cooker Jambalya

This recipe has been one of our long standing favorites.  I happen to love it for a few more reasons than just its delicious flavor.  The first, is that not all slow cooker recipes are created equal - this is one of the greats.  The simple way it comes together, it can be prepared hours ahead of time, and the delicious aroma that floats around our house, makes it irresistible - especially on a cold, snowy winter's day.  Well fortunately, today is not one of those days, and even though we've had a few adventures with this meal - it won't cook if you don't plug in the cooker, and mistakenly putting a tablespoon of cayenne into the pot, instead of a tablespoon of paprika will SIGNIFICANTLY increase the spicy - it is my pleasure to share it with you dear reader.

Adorable Kitchen Helper

Slow Cooker Jambalaya
(Adapted from Colleen's Slow Cooker Jambalaya on allrecipes.com)

2 Medium Onions Diced
4 Stalks of Celery Diced
2 Green Peppers Diced
2.5 Chorizo Sausages cut into rounds
8 Chicken Thighs cut into bite sized pieces
2 Cups of Water
2 Tbsp Chicken Better than Bullion
4 Tbsp Creole Seasoning*
1 32oz tin of Diced Tomato
1lb frozen Cooked Shrimp (optional)

*We use a home made Creole Seasoning, recipe below.

Creole Seasoning
(allrecipes.com)

1 1/4 tsp Onion Powder
1 1/4 tsp Garlic Powder
1 1/4 tsp Dried Oregano
1 1/4 tsp Dried Basil
1/2 tsp Dried Thyme
1/2 tsp Black Pepper
1/2 tsp White Pepper
1/2 tsp Cayenne
1 Tbsp Paprika
1 3/4 tsp Salt

1. Dice vegetables, chicken and sausage, combine in slow cooker.
2. Add Creole Seasoning, water and bullion (or chicken broth).
3. Cook on high for 4-6 hours. Stir occasionally.
4. Add 2 cups of minute rice, cook until well mixed in and ready.
5. Add shrimp (For those of you lucky ones who live in houses who eat shrimp...)

Another adorable helper.

Costco Chorizo Sausage

This recipe turns out delicious every single time we cook it, and it is very flexible as far as what can be added to it, or subtracted from it. Make it spicier - add extra cayenne, change the type of sausage, or add extra shrimp. If you don't like minute rice, cook rice on the side and serve!  Enjoy everyone! 

All ready to go!

It is exhausting work!

Adventures in Cooking: Indian Spiced Roasted Chicken

Ok, so I'm not a food blogger. I'm just someone who likes to blog (Is that a verb?). Anyway, there are times I find myself befuddled, with absolutely nothing profound to say, and yet, I have an insatiable desire to BLOG - about something, anything.  It seems that lately my life has been overwhelmed by being MOM, and so the only real thoughts I have about daily life are often wrapped up in mundane questions, like - when did the baby eat last? what time does the bus come? what on earth would make THAT stain? and most often -  what are we eating for dinner?

A snapshot of my daily life.

In answer to the last, pinterest has been a literal wealth of ideas and I am drawn to simple, unique recipes that my family might enjoy. Left up to my own dinner ideas, we would probably be eating a weekly rotating cycle of stirfrys, tacos, and pasta, so here's to something new. Since I like to use pinterest as more than just a place to organize pictures, I thought why not share some of these successes and failures? At least it gives me something to write about. 

My recipe is slightly different than the one in the link below, but I will detail what I used.


Adapted From: Indian Spiced Roasted Chicken (Originally found on simply-delcious-food.com) 

Serves 6 - 8
Cooking Time: 2 Hours

2 Whole Chickens
3 Tbsp Red Curry Paste
2 Cups Plain Yogurt
6 Tbsp Garam Masala
4 Tsp Salt
2-3 Tbsp Lime Juice

1. Preheat oven to 350'
2. In a bowl combine yogurt, curry paste, spices and lime juice.
3. Rub mixture over chicken, put extra marinade into cavity of chicken.
4. Place in oven at 350' for 45mins, increase heat to 425' cook for around an 1 hr 15mins, check regularly on chickens to be sure the spices aren't burning.

The sauce was messy but delicious!

*Refer to original recipe for more detailed instructions. 

As I mixed my chicken marinade, I found that the red curry paste was quite spicy, you may want to reduce the amount in your own version.   I paired this chicken with another Pinterest recipe called Kung Pao Cauliflower. I will detail that recipe another time - but it is the first time I have seen my kids literally GOBBLE down cauliflower and ask for more.

So, how did all of this spicy chicken go over with the kids, you may ask....

Surprisingly well. M told me he liked dinner so much he felt like he should thank me twice for it, and O ate without the usual amount of coercion.  S had formula, and she thought it was top notch. For myself, I thought the chicken had fabulous flavor, I think that it might be a recipe to try on something like wings in the future. I think the only other change I would make is to use a yogurt that's less thick, or thin it out with something so that it wasn't so much of a paste on the chicken - it will be about finding the balance between something that will stick to the chicken, but not cake itself on. I also found that where the recipe recommends a change in cooking temperature, the sauce on the top of the chicken burned far too quickly, and so I reduced heat and kept it at 350'.

Beautifully roasted, the meat was delicious and juicy!

And there you have it, my first attempt at celebrating my epicurious side.
To Eat and Enjoy.