The Dark Corners

It's the quiet things.  The things that I don't like to talk about, about myself. The fears that creep in when I let my guard down, or even when I keep it up, expecting...always expecting, being afraid that when things are going well, out of nowhere I'll have to face trauma, or chaos or disaster.

So, what is the answer? I can't control life - I can shut myself away where no one can find me, I can saturate myself with fear, and spread it all over every place I touch by building up defenses, and work to protect my family, my children. I can close myself off from others, and pretend that I don't feel what they feel by focusing on myself.

Or...I can meditate. "Meditate on the Word." What does that mean? It brings to mind sitting in front of the Bible with my eyes closed...but that seems counter productive. I can, however, chew on the small pieces, words of wisdom. "For God has not given us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power, and of love and of calm and well balanced mind and discipline and self control." 2 Timothy 1:7 AMP. 

So, chew on those words God, power, love, calm, well-balanced mind, discipline, self control. I can't say that I could peg God down with words, but I know that God is love.  I know love, love runs deep and still, like a river.  Not the kind you wade through, but the kind that you rent a boat to ride, weaving and turning, and breaks on rocks, sweeps around boulders and rushes over edges with abandon, the roar of a cascading waterfall.  I know what power is, it is the torrential river of a flash flood. It is the quiet strength, the steady dripping of small drops of water that eventually put cracks in the solid ground beneath our feet. It is the ability to recognize the difference, and use each when they are needed. What is calm? A well-balanced mind? Self control? I see calm as the close of a day, just when the sun sinks over the distant tree topped hills, when there is still light in the sky, a blue pale twilight, the sound of a campfire crackling in the air, and the smell of smoke in the cool of the day. Feeling the heat of the fire on your legs, and the brisk cold of the night on the tip of your nose. Discipline and self control are the contentment that comes with feeling safe, and warm and loved and surrounded by family. The way we all should be.  A well balanced mind can weigh the good against the bad, and not be over-run.  Like a lake after all the boats have gone to bed, and the whisper of wind in the air doesn't touch the water of the lake, so that it looks like glass, a perfect reflection of the beauty that surrounds it. 

I want to see this scripture in pictures...it's what my mind makes almost without me trying. This is the place where I need to be, that will change the way I think about myself, if I can get it down tucked deep into my heart.