My over-eating is a manifestation of my attempt to fill a need or an emptiness in my spirit. This is a revelation that hurts. Growing up the way that I did, two loving parents, a Christian home, a marriage to a good man and having beautiful children sounds ideal and compared to 98% of the rest of the world, it IS ideal. So, in the quiet places of my mind and heart, I ask myself how is it YOU who has so much can dare to want more? Dare to need more? Dare to have an emptiness that you fill with food? You who are a King among the wealthy, lavished among the blessed, and cherished among friends, how dare you have an emptiness? It is a question that I can't answer. I have felt guilty, angry, self-centered and indignant about it, and still, I can't answer. Feelings don't solve anything. The heart of the matter is, there is a need. I have to fill it, and diet or not, in the end I will still have to fill it. I need to fill it with God from my end of things - that takes work, and a relationship and a journey. That is where I need to be.
October 19 2011 - 180 lbs.
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