Standing Up

Last week I did something I never ever thought that I would do. I quit my job.  The crazy part is, I didn't want to, I was forced to - because I had to stand up for what was right.  I'm a teacher, I hope that the one thing that my students would tell you was that I always did what was right.  So, after a lengthy battle with my self conscience, I did what I thought was right and quit - in other words, the message I hoped to pass to my previous employer was, I am ashamed to be associated with this school, what has happened here is wrong, and I can no longer attach my name to it, because I have to do what is right.  I don't think anyone noticed - my employer didn't. 

I was brave when I said I would stand up for what's right, but it's hard when reality looks back at you, and asks how you're going to support your kids.  I don't know the answer. I wasn't expecting this. So, every piece of inspirational literature says that challenges are where we're made, that they don't break us - that we come through them stronger, but is there a guarantee on that? 

Dear God - don't leave me now. 

Half of Me

I only wish I was referring to my weight.  No, not quite, that's still a road I travel sincerely unmotivated, but progress there is at least something you can see, even if it is only on a scale. 

The other day on the news, I saw that there were in some cities in the United States, Police Officers and Firefighters only being paid minimum wage.  This news - as news often does, made me so sad.  A little clump of nerves or maybe fear clumped up in my throat and I thought to myself...at least I have a job to go back to.  I am a teacher...yes, we the favored who receive the longest annual vacation out of all of the jobs our peers do.  It has its ups and downs, but overall, I like my job, I like my students and I like the school. 

Without getting too detail oriented, the school I work for through no fault of its own, is facing possible closure. Our administration assures us that we will have jobs in September, but from the facts we know, it's hard to know if we will have jobs in October, November, December and so on.  So, I have come to a fork in the road.  A true fork, one of the clearest ones I can ever remember facing.  Perhaps the reason I feel it so sharply, is it may be the only time in my life that a fork in the road has not only affected my life, but my children and family as well.  No, I'm not the only provider in the house, but I do carry at least 40% of that burden on my shoulders - and though there are two distinct paths, I find myself sitting at the road sign, unsure of which way to go. Do I stay, or do I go? How do people make these choices? I should probably feel blessed there is a choice, but it feels like I am staring at two doors, and you can't tell what is behind them.  

So, where do we go from here?

The Quest

I've been away...busy you might say. Yes, busy for eight months. I know  that sounds impossible, but between being a wife, a mom, a friend, a sister, a teacher and a tutor, I feel like my time gets swallowed up.  Time for what, you might ask, what time does a person need? Well...I have this spark...I want to write, to be a writer, I've got these stories bubbling up that want to get out, characters that invade my waking thoughts begging to be released on paper.  THE PROBLEM...well, the first is time...and that is completely up to me.  It's about making time.  But, I also wonder if I suffer from an extraordinary form of writers block.  I currently have two stories that I feel are original, unique, interesting...and imbedded with poor grammar..that I get stuck in the middle of and don't know where to go!

So, how does one break through writer's block? How do these writers come up with gripping story lines and endings that hold readers to the very last word.  I mean seriously, every time I read a good book, like recently the Hunger Games, I come out of it thinking...how do they DO that? I want to be like those authors, who can reach into people's minds and spin tales that they dream about at night.  What talent! That's what I want to do. SO...top ten methods to obliterate writers block...anyone?

November Update

Well, it's been approximately four weeks since I finished my diet, and I am happy to report that the weight has stayed off, and I've stayed steady.  The way I approach eating is definitely different, but at Thanksgiving I was able to look at my most favourite dish - the stuffing, and after having eaten enough say to myself, you can have more later. That is HUGE for me.

It's silly that we let the way we look hold us back from things, but I can honestly say I feel healthier, I'm not tired as easily, I don't feel like everyone is looking at me, and I don't judge myself.  I've started KEEPING pictures that people take of me, instead of immediately rejecting them.  Now, it still has to be me accepting myself however I am, but the boost of losing the weight and keeping it off makes it easier to appreciate ME. It's a journey, I keep telling myself that, but the journey is what's important. It's ok to like yourself. It really is.

And it begins...the rest of your life.

Coming head to head with this diet, some might say that it beat me.  I stopped the diet seven days early as I reached a weight loss goal that I hardly thought was attainable two months ago.  Maybe I'm too eager to let it go - the restricted eating plan eventually got monotonous and cheating a bigger and bigger temptation. But what's important to me right now is the new beginning.  I'm not done with weight loss forever - wouldn't that be nice? But, I am on to a new phase. I want to eat healthily and slowly but surely continue to watch my weight decrease.  I am determined to keep it off, and so...on to healthy eating and a much healthier lifestyle. I know it won't be easy - the leftover Halloween candy is already calling to me from the table, but except for a small tootsie roll, i've been able to ignore it. It's not about being deprived, it's about eating a healthy diet, it's not about stuffing myself, but being satisfied.  I'm feeling shaky, not so brave, like I have a long way to go, but I look forward to the challenge.

I lost 30lbs and at last check 25 inches.

Day 16: The Stall

This half of the diet is going very differently for me. I've experienced a very long plateau simply because of what my body is doing right now, but I think what it's made me realize is my emotional attachment to my weight.  To sit and cry or be angry over the fact that the scale is not moving shows that it is far more entwined than I really thought before.  I am shaving away the time left on the strict phase of this diet, I realize that not eating as an  emotional response is something that I am going to have to watch for the rest of my life.  I want to control what I eat in a positive way, but I think even more than that, it's my emotions that need to be under control. Sounds easy, but when I think about it, we don't have to put any kind of control on our emotions.  In our culture our emotions are the be all of who we are.  That's just not right.  We can't continue to do what we FEEL is right, if I continue to eat what I FEEL is right, I guarantee the weight will pile back on. I don't have all the answers, but the journey continues. 

177 lbs and - 21 inches

The Journey Continues - Day 8

My over-eating is a manifestation of my attempt to fill a need or an emptiness in my spirit.  This is a revelation that hurts.  Growing up the way that I did, two loving parents, a Christian home, a marriage to a good man and having beautiful children sounds ideal and compared to 98% of the rest of the world, it IS ideal.  So, in the quiet places of my mind and heart, I ask myself how is it YOU who has so much can dare to want more? Dare to need more? Dare to have an emptiness that you fill with food? You who are a King among the wealthy, lavished among the blessed, and cherished among friends, how dare you have an emptiness? It is a question that I can't answer.  I have felt guilty, angry, self-centered and indignant about it, and still, I can't answer.  Feelings don't solve anything. The heart of the matter is, there is a need. I have to fill it, and diet or not, in the end I will still have to fill it.  I need to fill it with God from my end of things - that takes work, and a relationship and a journey.  That is where I need to be.

October  19 2011 - 180 lbs.