Monday, 22 August 2011

"I think you've lost yourself, you don't know who you are any more."

I weigh 203 lbs.  TWO-HUNDRED and THREE pounds.  Even writing that down for it to be spoken out loud makes me want to curl up with anything I can dig out of the fridge and eat my way through it. When I looked at the scale yesterday afternoon I was sure that there was more something wrong with my vision than there was with my weight.  I couldn't believe what I was seeing.  I've never - except during pregnancy, and you can hardly blame a girl for packing on the pounds when there's a baby helping out - been over 200 pounds ever.  It was never fun being around 190lbs but  it was sort of a strange place of pride for me, that even though I knew I let myself go, I never let myself go that far. 

Becoming a mother has been the single greatest joy of my life, so much so that I've done it far.  I want more than anything else to be happy, healthy and well adjusted, but so far things don't seem to be working out that way.  I am on my way to becoming morbidly obese, I'm not happy with myself or who I am, and feel as though any appearance of being "well adjusted" is faked.  In talking with my parents in desperation over these facts that I am fat and feel not only unsupported but overwhelmed, my father said to me, "I think you've lost yourself, you don't know who you are any more."  In that moment, it was profound.  It came from my Dad, which is one thing, he doesn't say much but when he does, the guy is deep.  So, here I am, up to my eyeballs in what I am now calling The Dunamis Project. I am out to lose weight, and to find out who I am - with kids and a husband, and where I fit in this life. God help me.

Here's to transparency.  Let the world know, it's August 22nd, and I am 203 lbs.

August 22, 2011 - 203 lbs.

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