Thursday, 27 October 2011

Day 16: The Stall

This half of the diet is going very differently for me. I've experienced a very long plateau simply because of what my body is doing right now, but I think what it's made me realize is my emotional attachment to my weight.  To sit and cry or be angry over the fact that the scale is not moving shows that it is far more entwined than I really thought before.  I am shaving away the time left on the strict phase of this diet, I realize that not eating as an  emotional response is something that I am going to have to watch for the rest of my life.  I want to control what I eat in a positive way, but I think even more than that, it's my emotions that need to be under control. Sounds easy, but when I think about it, we don't have to put any kind of control on our emotions.  In our culture our emotions are the be all of who we are.  That's just not right.  We can't continue to do what we FEEL is right, if I continue to eat what I FEEL is right, I guarantee the weight will pile back on. I don't have all the answers, but the journey continues. 

177 lbs and - 21 inches

Wednesday, 19 October 2011

The Journey Continues - Day 8

My over-eating is a manifestation of my attempt to fill a need or an emptiness in my spirit.  This is a revelation that hurts.  Growing up the way that I did, two loving parents, a Christian home, a marriage to a good man and having beautiful children sounds ideal and compared to 98% of the rest of the world, it IS ideal.  So, in the quiet places of my mind and heart, I ask myself how is it YOU who has so much can dare to want more? Dare to need more? Dare to have an emptiness that you fill with food? You who are a King among the wealthy, lavished among the blessed, and cherished among friends, how dare you have an emptiness? It is a question that I can't answer.  I have felt guilty, angry, self-centered and indignant about it, and still, I can't answer.  Feelings don't solve anything. The heart of the matter is, there is a need. I have to fill it, and diet or not, in the end I will still have to fill it.  I need to fill it with God from my end of things - that takes work, and a relationship and a journey.  That is where I need to be.

October  19 2011 - 180 lbs.

Sunday, 16 October 2011

The Beginning Again - Day 5

Ok, so not exactly right at the beginning, but sorting out life has taken longer than anticipated.  I finally braved the scale, after two weeks of freedom, and I can happily say that I was only up 3lbs. It was a terrifying affair if I do say so myself, but in the end, I conquered and finally opened my eyes to actually LOOK at the scale.  I know what I have to do differently at the end of this phase, but if any excuse can be found I really was in party mode.  After this phase I keep telling myself, it will be different.  It has to be different.  Some of the things that I noticed during my "freedom" was that old habits really do die hard. By the end of the two weeks I was already breaking two cardinal rules, the first being, eating when I am already full, and the second, snacking between meal times.  I have to say, I am eternally grateful for the reprieve of meals that had become quite bland and repetitive, and that I am coping all right with the move back into this strict form of eating - but I do find that the cheating is quite tempting. Especially when we finally bought our Halloween candy.  When my husband jumped up from the couch yesterday to partake in a snack of peanut m&m's, I am sure I turned 3 shades of green. I wanted to grab them and eat them...ALL OF THEM.  I am pleased to report that I held off, and the candy is now in a secure location (out of sight - out of mind) but that it tells me that food still has a significant hold over me. I continue to work and fight it.  Viva la results! Down 3lbs to 185.2 - here's to horizons not seen for five years, down we go!

Monday, 10 October 2011

Hiatus: Then and Now and Tomorrow

After successfully completing the first phase of this diet, I've been on a short break for my sister's wedding and getting ready to repeat my strict diet plan.  I can't say I am looking super forward to it, I really do enjoy food, but the learning process has to continue.  Bad habits don't seem to be broken in only 23 days - especially during celebration times.  I sure love to snack between meals, keep my tummy full and happy.  I need to continue to work on that, to realize that I will eat again and I will be fine in between meals.  Because of this snacking I am more terrified of the scale.  From the LOOKS of things I have likely put on a pound or two, but, I really want to avoid the emotional response that the scale always brings out.  Nothing like being curled in a corner of the bathroom crying over the oscillating numbers on a scale. Apparently I need to continue to work on the emotional side of things.  It's all a journey, I know that, but it's also nice to know when you've arrived.  As I go on, I am increasingly concerned that I may be on this journey for the rest of my life.  I hope that in the mean time I can do good for others, and stop focusing on me and my weight, and instead move ahead and beyond.  I am now brave enough to post pictures of before and after the first phase.  I am happy with my loss, and I hope it continues.  Buck up - food isn't everything - here's to phase 2. 

all the sins we see

He raped me. My friend, sweet and gentle, said it straight out like she was talking about the movie we'd seen not too long ago toget...