Tuesday, 27 September 2011

Day 24: A Break in the Action

When the weight comes off, the days are easier.  I am coming into a new phase of this diet, and I am a bit nervous about it. In some ways it feels just slightly miraculous that since the day I started this diet I've lost between 15 - 17lbs.  I am proud of it, but don't necessarily feel like I've worked at it super hard.  In this new phase I am able to lighten the very strict restrictions on this diet, it will only be for about a week or so, but I really don't want to pack on the weight again.  I think that this is where the hard part comes in, the part where I have to work to discipline myself even more.  There are still so many things that I am not confident that I've learned completely.  I don't want food to be my idol, but the temptations have been stronger to grab a snack of this or that, snag a piece of meat I'm cooking for my husband and son, and I don't want to go back there again.  At the beginning of this diet, before I started, I used to eat and eat and eat, simply because I didn't want to feel deprived of anything.  It was silly logic, because to be healthy I need to stop myself from eating the way that I do, and eat differently.  Now, after actually being "deprived" and not able to eat many things, I think my perspective has changed.  I guess time will tell, God help me.  But, I look at food now as a blessing that God has given us, something to survive on, but not something to ruin myself over.  It's going to be interesting...forward, always forward. 

Tuesday, September 27 - I weigh 185lbs. 

Day 19: A mile in heels is longer than a mile in flats

I went to a Ladies group today, last week I noticed that lots of the more trendy girls were wearing sleek jeans with cute shoes poking out the bottom adding a feminine touch to the every day work jean.  Now, in no way do I consider myself an expert on anything fashionable, but the thought occurred to me that I sure liked that look.  It made me feel kind of bulky and awkward in my over supported, laced to the top running shoes.  This morning as I was getting dressed, I grabbed a cute pair of shoes I had tucked away in my closet and wore those.  

No one noticed, but I sure felt like I was fitting in. The shoes were even cooperating with me, and the pain was bearable.  When everyone sat and we relaxed, I was proud of how my feet were holding up.  I really enjoyed the group, and when it was finished stood to go.  Well, the pain that had been holding out well before, was now in full screaming color.  I hobbled back to my car, and limped my way home. No one noticed.

To fit in for a pair of shoes? Really? I'm not sure my feet will be back to their happy selves for weeks, all for a selfish wish to fit in.  I feel good about the weight that I've lost, but I don't want to strive to fit into something that I'm not to replace the weight.  At times I even find myself being judgmental and critical.  Every day, God is teaching me things and showing me things and I feel like the road just gets longer.  I don't think that's a bad thing, I'm willing to learn, and willing to change my heart.  I'm just grateful that God doesn't require me to walk that road in high heels.

Today 188.04 lbs

Tuesday, 20 September 2011

Day 17: How much change?

Last night, I got angry.  Not even really angry about something super serious like someone-broke-into-my-house-and-stole-my-favourite-frypan, just angry because things weren't going my way.  Sadly, my first response was, I WANT TO EAT THAT COOKIE. I didn't eat the cookie, I walked away, but that very thought surprised me.  It almost caught me off guard.  I think it's the first time ever I've fully recognized the connection between an emotion and the desire to eat.  Usually whenever that flash of emotion hits, I just eat. Of course, usually after I stuff my face I feel as rotten as I did before I ate, only possibly worse.  

I guess that in my head I knew that, but I hadn't really made the connection before.  On top of that, I wish I had the answer to write here that I knew exactly what to do to stop this from happening, but I don't know yet. The only thing I think is that I have to turn my emotions to God for help, rather than to food for help.  I don't think that's easy, or that it's going to be easy.  Food is accepting, it's more of a risk to turn your emotion on God, he might tell me that it's ME that needs to change. It feels like that has been a consistent theme lately. 

To constant change.
190.2 lbs - down 9 inches

Saturday, 17 September 2011

Day 14: Missing the Motivation

When I started this blog, I promised myself that I would NOT use it as a tool to complain bitterly about how very unfair it is that I even need to be ON a diet and watching my weight.

So, I will strive to carry on in that promise, but as any person well intrenched in a diet can tell you it can be easy to look around at the people around eating whatever they like, smell the tantalizing flavors floating around you, and feel ripped right off.  Now, the reward does come, a little scarily in the morning when I creep onto the scale to take a peek and see if anything is different.  So far the slow but steady drop in weight has kept me stuck to the diet plan but I can definitely say that the debate has bounced back and forth in my head a few times, echoing the sentiment (especially when I am hungry) - is this worth it? Will anyone really look at me differently? Will I really have accomplished something worth while, and even more than that, when I am allowed to eat what I want again, will I be able to be vigilant in watching my calories and exercising, or will the food take over again, and all of this will be for nothing? I think that's the most frightening thing.  

I was watching a documentary on obesity, and it talked about how 20% of individuals who needed extreme intervention like gastric bypass surgery, succeeded in stretching their stomach back to almost half the size of their original stomach allowing them to put weight back on.  I know that's where my heart change comes in, and I'm working on that slowly but surely as well - but there are lingering doubts. 

So, why am I doing this? 

1. I believe that I had food as an idol in my life, and I want God to be first - not the food.

2. Things changed when I had my daughter, I want to teach her to love God, and love herself, and I want to teach her the proper way to eat so that food doesn't become an idol in her life - and so she won't have to struggle the way that I have.

3. I want to feel better about myself, to know that I do have self control, and that I am taking steps forward instead of staying still. 

And so, the uphill press continues. Little by little, inch by inch God is teaching me a new thing.

September 17, 2011 - 191.4 lbs and - 9 inches.

Tuesday, 13 September 2011

Day 10: To Scale a Mountain

After hopping on and off the scale 73 times this morning, I finally decided it may actually be emotionally unstable. It gave me three different weights, concurrently in decreasing order.  At least, I reasoned with myself, it decreased. 

The small victory is in this, initially when I stood on the scale, the number it gave was identical to yesterday and the day before.  I could have had a small fit, something like I usually do, which is when I face the smallest of disappointments my insides fall apart, and I start to hate on everything.  Oh no the dreaded plateau, and you've done it to yourself! But, instead, I thought to myself, God, I am going to keep going and I am going to trust you. I didn't have a terrible day. Then I read something that rocked my world, in Lysa Terkeurst's book Made to Crave she describes a blog a friend was writing, and in that blog the friend says this, define your week by obedience, not by a number on a scale. Wow. 
That is where I want to be ALL the time.  In obedience with what God wants me to do.  It's a slow start, but here's to forward motion.  Today I looked in the mirror, and I liked what I saw.

So, here I sit at some undefined corner called pounds, between the numbers 195.04 and 194.04, and I am smiling.

Sunday, 11 September 2011

Day 8: My Cheatin' Heart

As I stepped out of the church today, precariously balancing two deliciously tempting cupcakes on a paper plate, shielding them from the onslaught of rain, the plate tipped.  To save the cupcakes from becoming chocolate puddles of mush to be trampled on the ground - which I could not bear, I put out my finger to stop them from falling. Consequently my finger was smeared with the fragrantly delicious butter cream icing.  How do I know it was butter cream?  I licked it off of course.  

I've only truly been on this diet less than a week, and I have noticed the temptations are cropping up more than the cravings. I do actually have a list, that includes tuna melts, that I plan on enjoying once I am finished this experience, but it is a concern to me that being allowed to eat everything again might pack the weight back on.  The list is rather lengthy, and there is still that old desire to cram myself full of something that I have been "deprived" of.  It seems that still there are lessons that need to be learned.  Even though I have had the will power so far to be 100% committed to this health plan, my desire for food hasn't changed - regardless of the fact that I am not actually hungry.

Food is my idol.  Doesn't that turn to ash in your mouth? I would rather satisfy myself with food than with God. Example, for a long time on a Sunday night I would rather stay home, eat hot wings and watch TV, instead of go to church and listen to what God might have for me, because GOD was inconveniencing me (and there was the small chance he might actually ask me to DO something with my life), depriving me of relaxation and pleasure.  Talk about having things back-assward. Small victories do come though, for instance, even though I licked the frosting off of my finger, I didn't feel the desperate need to cram a dozen cupcakes down my throat. Another small victory has come in the form of some sparklings of self worth. For the first time in months, perhaps even years I felt good about myself.  I suppose a wise person somewhere said, recognition is the first step to recovery. So, long is the journey, and narrow is the road.

When I come out of this, I want my heart to be right. I want to look at God first for my need, and food as an enjoyment, something not to be taken for granted, and something that I am no longer captive to. 

Today I weigh 195.04 lbs, and have lost 5 inches.

Thursday, 8 September 2011

Day 5: A Celebration of Small Success!

I recently heard some teaching that impacted me. It was about how in life, when you are working hard at something you need to celebrate the small successes, because that gives you the motivation to keep going. A few thoughts occurred to me, the first being how on earth would I celebrate something without eating, and second, how do you notice the small successes and have the creativity to celebrate? 

In thinking about this, I also realized that I don't notice the small successes, because I get so wound up in fear about things. These are things I'm not even comfortable saying out loud because they sound so silly to everyone else who goes through life with a great deal more rationality than I do. But today, I had a small breakthrough.  I was listening to a different teaching, this one dealt with moods, and this person said, the more you entertain thoughts the more they become a part of who you are. That made me stop.  I'm not even sure I heard everything else this woman said, because I realized, THAT IS ME. I take things on, particularly things that I cannot control - I mean come on, it's the perfect worry trap, I get in fear about things that I have both no influence on and no control over, so much so that I make myself sick, and with all clarity these words have helped. The sad part? I am doing it to myself! No wonder I don't know who I am any more, I've allowed fears and worries to imprint themselves over my life and they will take over my existence if I let them.  Interestingly, I thought I was the only one, but about a week ago I read a link that talked about Christian women in particular who are allowing themselves to be ruled by fear.  Well, this is just the greatest scheme the devil has going! Enough, enough, enough!!

So, when that finally dawned on me today, I thought, I need to figure out the small successes, and have those small celebrations! My son went to the bathroom independently today without even telling me he had to.  We CELEBRATED! He received a small package of treats - and he was over the moon.  There is another success that needs to be celebrated today, I'm not sure how, but I know i'll think of something...

It is September 08/11 and I weigh 198lbs- So, celebrate.

Tuesday, 6 September 2011

Day 3: Trust Issues

The scale and I have entered in to a short term peace agreement. It won't jump unexpectedly whenever I go and stand on it, and I won't smash it to bits with the hammer I'm now keeping in the bathroom. The talks are a bit shaky - this morning I weighed in at 202.0 lbs. So...down from the highest, but up from the lowest, and I'm starting to think I have trust issues.

I could probably go into a very long diatribe about where the trust issues came from, but the truth is, I haven't got a clue.  I can remember even at a very young age having anxiety about things. One time I even remember being so worried about being at a local park alone with my sisters, I convinced them there was a bear hiding in the bushes about to eat them and we should go home. They followed begrudgingly. (Though the probability was that there really WAS a bear nearby I doubt it was one that wanted to eat any of us for lunch).  I am finding that trust isn't a simple concept in the least - and for me it's somewhat backward. I'll trust just about any salesperson who comes to my door and says that their product is superior. (I'm getting better at this but, I have a vacuum and almost had an entire alarm system because of this) Yet, I am realizing with fits of shocking alarm, that not only are there things I don't trust my own husband to do - there are things I don't trust GOD, my creator to do. 

That realization was severely disturbing.  Is it that I really need to be in control so much that I can't even trust God to take care of me in a basic way? Not only that, now that I've realized that fact it is imperative that I give up control to him and even though I don't know what the plan is, that I have to be ok with that. 

I don't know if I am there yet.  I think it's all a part of this process.  I will get there, I need to trust God even in the smallest of things, like what I put in my mouth.  That's when I get to move forward.


Sunday, 4 September 2011

Day 1: The End from the Beginning

There are several half finished projects in this house that would attest to the fact that I do not always finish what I have started.  This is not a character trait that I am explicitly proud of, when I meet people it's not the first thing I like to tell them about myself.  But, starting on this diet requires a start and a conclusion - admittedly though, the conclusion is slightly more long term, as it is as important to maintain a healthy weight as it is to get there.  I am looking forward to looking back on this time in my life with a sense of accomplishment. 

Today I weigh 201.6 lbs.
And I have several inches.

Onward to Victory.

Friday, 2 September 2011

Stuck in a Time Delay also known as the Postal Service

I hate it when things don't go to plan.  I'm a planner - I like to write lists and carefully scratching one item off at a time gives me a grand sense of accomplishment. On the weekends, as we wake up, my husband knows to ask "what's the plan?" Sometimes I look at him, just slightly offended, as if to say, "What makes you think there's a plan?" But, in all honesty, I can't even play that, because I know that he knows, that deep down in the recesses of my mind - there's a plan. So, when things don't go to plan, one might find me literally pacing from kitchen to living room and back again trying to re-establish a plan.

The plan was to start my healthy eating regimen on Sunday.  Because it is time sensitive and there is a definite start and finish I am hoping to get going as soon as possible. It's hard to get excited about losing weight, motivated to lose weight and now, I feel like I am in a stall already.  I know that things take time, and that pacing isn't going to bring that UPS truck any faster, but I am beginning to wonder if tracking down the package and capturing it myself wouldn't be quicker. 

How about a little perspective? Ok. I weighed myself this morning. I am currently 200.02 lbs.  I have been slowly starting to add healthy eating habits in to my life, so maybe SOME of that is showing - but it is more likely that this weight loss is more a physiological thing rather than a reward for hard work. The evidence for this would be that yesterday I happened upon a rather happy surprise.  In the back of the freezer was a container of what just happens to be one of my most favourite flavors of ice cream, Oreo, and while watching Star Trek, I happily downed a bowl full.  So, the hard work hasn't started yet.  

However, I have been putting into practice a few things that I've learned lately about eating.

1) Eat Slowly: I never realized how fast I stuffed my face before I started to eat slowly.  I try to eat only one piece at a time, take a drink of water and talk instead of inhaling my food.  I find I get fuller faster. 

2) Eat what you like: Interesting concept.  Since dieting is often equated with eating boring, bland and boiled food, I have been trying to eat what I like to eat just in smaller quantities while listening to my body as to when I get full. 

3) Have a positive internal dialogue: I do not. I am critical of myself at every opportunity. Unfortunately the sage advice, "Who do you think is looking at you anyway?" has fallen on deaf ears, and I am certain that everyone who I come in contact with is as painfully aware as I am that I feel inferior because of the way that I look.  This one will take more work than eating slowly...

Now, these things are fairly simple and might be common place to my very skinny counterparts. But, so far these tips are like revelations to me. Change is a process. A very long process.  So...enough of this waiting. Let's get going! 

Sept. 02, 2011 - 200.02 lbs

all the sins we see

He raped me. My friend, sweet and gentle, said it straight out like she was talking about the movie we'd seen not too long ago toget...