Friday, 22 March 2013

The Looking Glass

The hardest place for me to be, is in front of a mirror.  When I'm away from a mirror, I can turn on the deepest parts of my imagination, and no matter what I'm wearing, or what my hair looks like that day, I can imagine that I look pretty darn good. The truth of the matter is, that when I see myself in the mirror, I can't help judging what I see there.  Though I've been told by different people at different times in my life that I am attractive, it is very hard for me to see. The biggest battlefield has to be my weight.  Some time, at some point in high school, some person, whom I obviously considered to know more about these things than I did, told me I was fat, and I believed them.  In high school I was 160 pounds, today I'd love to go back there and kick whoever told me that in the bum. 

I remember believing that I was fat, and that my legs were so ugly that no one should have to see them.  I told everyone that I didn't like wearing shorts, and wore long pants through several hot summers of my teenage years.  I will put on shorts these days, but it's only because the heat won out.  I still have intense struggles with body image, I'm thirty years old, and somewhere the thought has taken root that I am unattractive, that it's hard for me to lose weight, and trying it will just result in failure.  Recently I worked very hard at a diet, now, I haven't put all the weight back on that I lost, but I have put on a significant amount.  Talk about another reason to get yourself down.  

So, where's the balance? Do I need to lose weight, so that I can like myself, and accept myself? Or do I need to like myself and accept myself first, and then incorporating a healthy lifestyle will come more easily? I don't know. I just know that I don't like exercise - I could probably blame that on all the gym teachers comparing my unfortunately "creative" basketball skills against the other highly athletic girls in gym, but the real reason is because I like to see results, and see them right NOW.  I don't have the answers just yet, but to the girls asking the question, how do I really come to love myself and accept that a "healthy" me, may never be a size 2, me? I have an interesting answer.  Maybe start looking at yourself the way others look at you.  It's hard, really...but I've often pointed out some girl or another and said, "She's very pretty, or attractive." Then I realize that that girl's weight is very near to my own, and I don't look at her and consider her to be ugly.  In fact, looking around me, yes it's easy to recognize that I am not surrounded by Hollywood movie stars, but generally I see beautiful people. 

So, let's those of us who dread coming face to face in the mirror, as it points out our faults, remember that we were created unique and beautiful, and we are important. It's a good place to start...


  1. You are and always have been beautiful. That fear of the mirror is common. Although I have lost weight, on route to getting fit, I still hate my size. I dress with my back facing the mirror. Hang in there.

  2. Thank you, Annie! I am so proud of you for sticking with your health plan. You have done so well, and I am worried about meeting you in a back alley!


all the sins we see

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