Tuesday, 6 September 2011

Day 3: Trust Issues

The scale and I have entered in to a short term peace agreement. It won't jump unexpectedly whenever I go and stand on it, and I won't smash it to bits with the hammer I'm now keeping in the bathroom. The talks are a bit shaky - this morning I weighed in at 202.0 lbs. So...down from the highest, but up from the lowest, and I'm starting to think I have trust issues.

I could probably go into a very long diatribe about where the trust issues came from, but the truth is, I haven't got a clue.  I can remember even at a very young age having anxiety about things. One time I even remember being so worried about being at a local park alone with my sisters, I convinced them there was a bear hiding in the bushes about to eat them and we should go home. They followed begrudgingly. (Though the probability was that there really WAS a bear nearby I doubt it was one that wanted to eat any of us for lunch).  I am finding that trust isn't a simple concept in the least - and for me it's somewhat backward. I'll trust just about any salesperson who comes to my door and says that their product is superior. (I'm getting better at this but, I have a vacuum and almost had an entire alarm system because of this) Yet, I am realizing with fits of shocking alarm, that not only are there things I don't trust my own husband to do - there are things I don't trust GOD, my creator to do. 

That realization was severely disturbing.  Is it that I really need to be in control so much that I can't even trust God to take care of me in a basic way? Not only that, now that I've realized that fact it is imperative that I give up control to him and even though I don't know what the plan is, that I have to be ok with that. 

I don't know if I am there yet.  I think it's all a part of this process.  I will get there, I need to trust God even in the smallest of things, like what I put in my mouth.  That's when I get to move forward.


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