Sunday, 11 September 2011

Day 8: My Cheatin' Heart

As I stepped out of the church today, precariously balancing two deliciously tempting cupcakes on a paper plate, shielding them from the onslaught of rain, the plate tipped.  To save the cupcakes from becoming chocolate puddles of mush to be trampled on the ground - which I could not bear, I put out my finger to stop them from falling. Consequently my finger was smeared with the fragrantly delicious butter cream icing.  How do I know it was butter cream?  I licked it off of course.  

I've only truly been on this diet less than a week, and I have noticed the temptations are cropping up more than the cravings. I do actually have a list, that includes tuna melts, that I plan on enjoying once I am finished this experience, but it is a concern to me that being allowed to eat everything again might pack the weight back on.  The list is rather lengthy, and there is still that old desire to cram myself full of something that I have been "deprived" of.  It seems that still there are lessons that need to be learned.  Even though I have had the will power so far to be 100% committed to this health plan, my desire for food hasn't changed - regardless of the fact that I am not actually hungry.

Food is my idol.  Doesn't that turn to ash in your mouth? I would rather satisfy myself with food than with God. Example, for a long time on a Sunday night I would rather stay home, eat hot wings and watch TV, instead of go to church and listen to what God might have for me, because GOD was inconveniencing me (and there was the small chance he might actually ask me to DO something with my life), depriving me of relaxation and pleasure.  Talk about having things back-assward. Small victories do come though, for instance, even though I licked the frosting off of my finger, I didn't feel the desperate need to cram a dozen cupcakes down my throat. Another small victory has come in the form of some sparklings of self worth. For the first time in months, perhaps even years I felt good about myself.  I suppose a wise person somewhere said, recognition is the first step to recovery. So, long is the journey, and narrow is the road.

When I come out of this, I want my heart to be right. I want to look at God first for my need, and food as an enjoyment, something not to be taken for granted, and something that I am no longer captive to. 

Today I weigh 195.04 lbs, and have lost 5 inches.

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