Saturday 17 September 2011

Day 14: Missing the Motivation

When I started this blog, I promised myself that I would NOT use it as a tool to complain bitterly about how very unfair it is that I even need to be ON a diet and watching my weight.

So, I will strive to carry on in that promise, but as any person well intrenched in a diet can tell you it can be easy to look around at the people around eating whatever they like, smell the tantalizing flavors floating around you, and feel ripped right off.  Now, the reward does come, a little scarily in the morning when I creep onto the scale to take a peek and see if anything is different.  So far the slow but steady drop in weight has kept me stuck to the diet plan but I can definitely say that the debate has bounced back and forth in my head a few times, echoing the sentiment (especially when I am hungry) - is this worth it? Will anyone really look at me differently? Will I really have accomplished something worth while, and even more than that, when I am allowed to eat what I want again, will I be able to be vigilant in watching my calories and exercising, or will the food take over again, and all of this will be for nothing? I think that's the most frightening thing.  

I was watching a documentary on obesity, and it talked about how 20% of individuals who needed extreme intervention like gastric bypass surgery, succeeded in stretching their stomach back to almost half the size of their original stomach allowing them to put weight back on.  I know that's where my heart change comes in, and I'm working on that slowly but surely as well - but there are lingering doubts. 

So, why am I doing this? 

1. I believe that I had food as an idol in my life, and I want God to be first - not the food.

2. Things changed when I had my daughter, I want to teach her to love God, and love herself, and I want to teach her the proper way to eat so that food doesn't become an idol in her life - and so she won't have to struggle the way that I have.

3. I want to feel better about myself, to know that I do have self control, and that I am taking steps forward instead of staying still. 

And so, the uphill press continues. Little by little, inch by inch God is teaching me a new thing.

September 17, 2011 - 191.4 lbs and - 9 inches.

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