Friday, 26 October 2012

Growing UP

Though I always enjoyed imagining visiting Neverland with Peter Pan, I knew that he and I would strongly disagree on one major point of our friendship.  I could never ascribe to not wanting to grow up. I can remember from the time I was small, I wanted to be grown, to be like the adults in my life. I wanted to be responsible for things, I wanted to be in love, I wanted to have my own children.  I always just thought that growing up, was the same as growing older and I could never really accept the idea that people change, especially from their late teens to their late twenties.  I read somewhere that you don't really know who you are until you hit your late twenties. 

Well, call me a late bloomer maybe, but I am starting to think that the dirty little secret I've kept tucked away in the back of my mind, is that I don't know who I am - and maybe I've just started to figure it out. I've been realizing over the past few years - (yes friends, you read that correctly, YEARS) that I say YES to people, even when I don't like something or don't want to do something. I have chosen clothing based on me thinking that I have to look like someone else.  I chose to decorate my house in a certain style because I thought that I could make people happy if my house looked right,  I say yes to things I don't really even want to do in the first place.  For the longest time, I just thought I could hide behind calling the  "getting to know yourself" part of my life psychobabble.  Pure nonsense. But, reality has struck, and character comes into question, and I think I've discovered something good. I LIKE MYSELF. 

The past few months have been some of the strangest, most difficult months I've ever experienced.  I quit my job. I LOVED THAT JOB. I was never going to quit.  But I was forced to quit because I had a moral disagreement with a facility I thought HAD morals.  I've decided that this thing called "me-time" is important, and it involves not missing my family grow and change because I feel I have to work two jobs.  So, I cut back my tutoring hours. I've had to forgive a guy who totaled my car, and my parents car - (Welcome back to car payments), and realize that I don't need "things" to make me happy. In all of this, I feel like I've gained some confidence.  

In having to find a new job, I've had to look inside myself and say, wait - I AM worth something as a teacher, I am GOOD at what I do. I can do this - I can take on a class of grade 7 and 8 boys intent on throwing class off the rails, and OUTSMART them! I love spending time with my kids - and they think I'm a good Mom, even when I can't seem to get the three of us dressed and out the door in under seventy-five minutes. Car payments - Watch out Bank, you're not getting nearly as much interest out of me as you think you're going to! All this of course to say, in general I hope my Angels have been getting paid overtime recently, but, who am I? I am settled, confident, and know that God walks beside me.  Do I have bad days? Yes, just ask my Husband, those are the days HIS angels are working overtime.  In all of this, God  has blessed me and shown me that I am worth something, I'm someone he made and I'm not like everyone else.

So, I've grown up, and along the way I think I'm figuring out who I am, and I like it. 

2 comments:

  1. Beautiful post, Jana! I agree, I like myself and know myself much better now at 29 than I did at 20. Although I could do without the wrinkles.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks Joanna! I agree heartily!

    ReplyDelete

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