ME - And my Big Bad Attitude

I whined a lot today. Over and over about going out for coffee with a friend.  I was too tired, I was too busy, why do I always pile things on myself? Can't anyone else see how busy I am? Whine. Whine. Whine, and an extra whine, for good measure.

I went for coffee.  Before I am even through the door she complimented my hair cut. Which I was pretty vain about this morning as I got ready for church - hoping people would notice. (Not that I would notice if someone shaved themselves bald, but the rules that go for others don't apply to me)

 I forgot my debit card.  Instead of watch me stew jealously, as my friend had her treat of Starbucks coffee, she generously offered to buy one for me. So, strike two against me. Who has a bad attitude, then LETS their friend buy them coffee? Instead of laughing at me, like I'm five, or like I'm so cheap I need to hijack a coffee date and get my friend to pay - she paid and stood in the ridiculously long line to pick it up for me, and returned to our table with a smile.  Needless to say, LAME, on my part. So, so lame. 

We sit down to talk, and I actually have the audacity to start to enjoy myself - gulping down my grande Gingerbread Latte with whipped cream. So, in my self-centeredness, I eventually learn why my friend called to meet with me . She wants to share something with me that she hasn't shared with many other people, something she was nervous about sharing because of how I would react. It's about this point, when I start wishing I could kick my own butt - but do I apologize? Nope. I can't figure out the right words to say.

I am the great pretender.  I can sit face to face with a friend, and still hope that they see the good side of me, instead of the rough, anxious, angry, self-centered, attention grabbing, on-going project-in-frustration that I truly am.  I prayed on the way home, and asked God to forgive me, to help me to change.  Change takes work. Apparently I am just starting at it, too. I guess it starts deep down, with a confession, and then with my own heart.  Silence that voice that makes me pretend for perfection and start to put other people ahead of myself. It's going to be a long road, I'm thinking, from point A to point B, but the journey is well worth it.  I think that the drive toward authenticity will make me realize so much more what Christ's sacrifice means for me. Even more, it makes me recognize that what he has for me is better than anything I could concieve for myself. 

I have been a Christian longer than my friend, and even had a small part in introducing her to my Savior, but today the love of Jesus was so real, so relevant in her life that little does she know, she taught me today.  

Forgive me, my friend.  And, thank you.