Wednesday, 6 March 2013

So here I am...at 30

Ok, so I've been thirty for a few months now.  It's not like it was something that JUST happened, and I am getting over the trauma of it all.  Age doesn't really bother me, I don't think - but the mediocrity of life does tend to get to me.  Now, don't get me wrong, I am a wife and mother and I love that, I wouldn't trade it for all of the blessings in the world, but sometimes I sit back and wonder, what on earth made me choose the job that I chose?

I'm a teacher, and sometimes I think - I don't even like kids.  But, that could be only on the days where I felt like I sat for forty-five minutes in the middle of a cyclone I was trying to subdue into control with my magical powers, of which I have none - or I've forgotten how to use them.  I spend several hours a week dutifully typing notes for my Social Studies class, and just last week, one of the kids took the photocopied package from me and said, "You know we don't actually use these after you're done filling in all the blanks." Want to know something sad? That comment actually made me stop, and think, you don't?? Of course the rational, teacher replied, and said, "I know that, I LIKE writing notes about Japan in the Meiji period."  But, it made me stop and think, something akin to, What am I doing here, and how did I get here?

Maybe it's a mistake to take high school students with levels of self confidence in their own abilities so low, they'd become a tree if you told them it was the right job for them. The passion is sometimes hard to find, and sometimes easy to forget.  Maybe I'm just fickle, when I am teaching and into something, and the kids are getting it and at least pretending to be interested, I love it.  But, there are days that I look around the room and think, I'm the only one listening, and I don't even care. What would I have done? What job would I have been good at? Some days, I think, lots of things. Like an x-ray tech, or a secretary, or someone who doesn't start their year in September.  Of course I would miss the eight weeks of vacation in the summer, but sure could do without the uncertainty, the politics, and the demand to be everything to everyone. God blessed me with this job, he really did.  I've learned so much and I am forever grateful to have come in contact with the people who are at the school.  But, I was feeling pretty disjointed about things this afternoon, when I felt my world was spiraling out of control.  

When along came...a friend from an unexpected place, and in talking with her, and listening to her about her day, taught me something about mine. A little laughter, a little encouragement goes a long way. Thank you, my friend.

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