Sunday 14 July 2013

From the Emerald Blooded...



I saw a post on Facebook a few days ago.  A friend of mine is building their first home. What kind of reaction would you expect? Excitement? Encouragement? Nope. Not from me. Instead a tiny, pinched voice from somewhere deep inside...Of course they can build a house, and have a new house.  They have a full time job! The little diatribe went on for a bit longer, but it was overshadowed by the voice of realization. That one came out loud and clear.  You're Jealous! I literally stopped as the thought hit me - and I realized that it's true. I get jealous - easily. 

It was kind of a shock to my system.  I never really thought about it before, I just assumed that I was above such things.  Yet, as I really thought about it, I could pinpoint several instances when I've opened my mouth, or thought things that are judgmental toward others - when the root of it is jealousy.  This innate belief down deep in me that I'm not good enough - or that I am somehow better than others, showing itself whenever I feel threatened by the good things that happen to other people. It's sad. When something good happens to someone else, instead of celebrating that with them, I put on a fake smile for them and immediately go and whine to God in my mind that it's just not fair. Because instead of relying on God for his timing, instead of being responsible for the decisions I make, instead of simply being THANKFUL for all of the things that I have, that other people don't have but want, I readily give into jealousy and spite and cover it up with a smile on my face. 

James 4: 2-3 You desire and you do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel.  You do not have because you do not ask. You ask and you do not receive because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.

I've heard this scripture before, but always in the context of asking for something.  But, was surprised to read it fully.  Jealousy makes me ask for things "to spend on my own passion" if what I am asking for, makes me look good or sounds right and is another way of me being judgmental of someone else, then even those things are wrong.  I don't know if someone can change over night, I doubt it - but it was a little signal to me of something that has to change. I imagine though it's only a small discovery of many.  I'm sorry for those of you I've hurt by being jealous, any one I've pretended in front of, when I've been feeling something else inside. It's part of a journey I've started. A journey to say what God says, and more importantly think what God thinks, not just act the way I think that he acts.  It shouldn't shock me that I'm actually not better than anyone else - but that instant-jealous reaction is easy to let slip by when I'm not watching for it.  From now on, I'm going to be watching for it, guarding against it and loving people, bringing them to Christ instead.

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