Not the Most Important Thing

Life goes on. I think that’s the beauty of it, tinged perhaps, with a bit of sadness, a bit of hope, but ultimately joy. I find myself standing in a strange place. Two roads diverging in a wood maybe? My scan is coming up this week, and next results. I’ve been feeling really good – and I take it as a reason for great hope. There is a question that has been rolling around through my head, what’s the purpose?

As a Christian I have developed a belief that life situations have purpose, but, as I put that belief to the test, it starts to sound somewhat hollow. I think it goes back to that age old criticism, “if God really loved people, why is the world such an awful place? Why is there pain and suffering?”

There seems to be an acute awareness of pain these days. Over the past two years I’ve followed politics, both Canadian and American. I’ve toyed with the idea of not even bringing it up, but the potential confirmation of Judge Kavanaugh and the sexual assault allegations of women that have come forward have affected me more than I expected it would. Hearing women’s voices in so many different ways has gutted me. It puts my own experience, fear, heartache in stark perspective. I’ve never experienced sexual assault, but I have close friends who have experienced both sexual assault and rape. From what I know, these instances were never reported, and I am gutted by the heartbreak, the tears, and the self-blame. This Supreme Court confirmation is the first time in my life where I have seen a raw delivery of a woman’s story, and a wave of misogyny and disbelief that leaves me confused about purpose in a whole new way.

Why did I get cancer? Why have these women been assaulted? Would a God who really loves me, and who purports to love these women allow such things to happen? What if there is no purpose? What if Dr. Ford’s testimony makes no difference in the long run? What if?

So, maybe purpose is the wrong place to focus. As a parent I would never set out to intentionally harm my child in order to have them learn “something”. That is reprehensible in my mind. The love I feel for my children is all encompassing, and I know that God’s love for us is even beyond that. So far, I have not once been able to prevent them from getting hurt, but when they are hurt I hold them, and comfort them. I tell them that even though things look bad now, we’ll be together and slowly things will get better. The focus is never on the purpose behind their hurt. I can’t imagine our Father being any different.

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Today my kids are participating in the Terry Fox run at school. Olivia said to me, “You can choose to run for anyone. My friends and I are running for you.” That seems to be as much purpose as I need.  

Happy Thanksgiving.