Monday, 26 August 2013

Consequence Road

Lately when I get up in the morning and those stressed out little thoughts that push at the back of my mind start up, You didn't get a call yesterday, School is starting in a few days - what makes you think they'll call you? All those people who told you this is where you'd be, we're right. Don't you wish you'd listened to them.  It's hard to remember when this happens that this is what I chose. I chose to walk away. I know why I chose to walk, I think it was because I finally decided that I am worth something - and no one person is going to make me feel otherwise.  But, that's not always easy to remember when I stare things like possible long term unemployment, making ends meet, and watching my dreams  fade to the background for another year, in the face. 

But, I've been learning something.  To risk sounding cliched - it does seem to be about the journey and not the destination.  There are things I want to accomplish in my life, places I want to visit and goals that I want to achieve, but today is just one step.  As I cuddled with my kids on the couch, I felt new hope.  I enjoyed being with them, and even though it's not achieving one of my big dreams, I achieved a small one.  Every now and then I like to look back to my past self, and send a message from my future self.  I looked back at the past self that was worried that I would never have children, or a family, and I said to her - look what you've been blessed with.  So, maybe, sitting here there's a message from a future self that tells me the lyrics of my daughter's current favorite tune.  Don't worry. Be happy. May as well be happy - the alternative kind of stinks.  

Consequence road isn't necessarily a bad road to walk.  It doesn't seem to be a steady walk either, emotions present themselves as  a consistent challenge, and there's always that sense of entitlement or jealousy, and self pity, not to mention the nagging concern that I've put myself into a hole I can't get out of.  But, I'm starting to realize that's just a step along the journey.  The adventure is out there, and maybe, just maybe it doesn't look like I think that it does.  I forget to easily that God is the one who makes the difference, for me and for everyone else.  I don't understand what exactly he's working on, but it's something, and it's made up of moments that count.  Moments that will make the dreams better, the goals richer, when they do come. I know I'll appreciate them more, and I think that's a blessing.

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