Legacy of the Unwanted

Being a daughter isn't as easy as it looks.

Dear O,

Do you know that I wanted you, even before I knew if you were there? Even before I felt you move, stretch and kick at the boundaries of your dark, warm, snug world, I wanted to hold you. Did you know that we come from a family of beautiful, strong, intelligent women? That imprinted deep on the fabric of who we are, is grace, laughter, and compassion? We come from a legacy of women who have never had it easy, but who never give up - accomplishing many things in the quiet, dignified strength that women come by as a gift of our creation.

Sometimes, my Love, history is difficult to hear, hard to imagine.  It is something I am just learning myself recently, that our family actually isn't perfect, or always right.  We've done things, unintentionally or not, that cause wounds and scars, my Mother's Mother, my Mother, and me. In our brokenness, we've learned lies to be truth, I'm not wanted, I'm not worthy, I'm ugly, they go on, but I am here to tell you, they aren't true. Because we all wish that we could reach into the past, and correct the mistakes we've made, I want to get an early start on things, before the future becomes a past I can no longer change. Hurts run deep, my little one, and we can give excuses for hurting people, or brush them off as nothing, or hide behind them, but the problem is, those hurts can shape who we turn out to be.  Healing takes time, and though we are blessed that this healing has begun for us, it is my hope that you won't have to go through a healing process, like the one we have been experiencing.

Do you know that one of my favorite things to do when I was growing up, was listen to my Nona tell me stories about how things were for her, growing up? They made me laugh, I remember, but the thing about the past is, that we talk about the laughter more - letting it out, so that it floats around us, and holds us.  It gives us a sense of humanity and connection, but I think in some ways, it makes the hurts bury themselves deeper and deeper into those dark places in our hearts.  I can't admit some things, saying them out loud feels like they might make my chest explode. Always know that you can speak those things to me, that I will never judge you.  I can't always promise that I will understand why things happen, or be able to explain why you are hurting, or that I will even be able to make it better, or go away, but like someone once said to me, speaking it out loud takes its power to hurt away. I'm learning that judging a person, particularly someone close to you, leads to anger and resentment. But, when we can see each other in the broader perspective of our humanity it makes forgiveness something we can offer, when we're ready. Not easy, but necessary as we reach for freedom.

Here's the good part.  God has blessed our family. He saw my Mom, your Nona, in the midst of her hurt and circumstances and he loved her and wanted her more than anything in the world, and he met her - and saved her life forever.  She introduced me to Him, and I will introduce Him to you as you grow. Because the truth is, not only are we wanted, we are loved and cherished by Him. Do you know how much he loves us? He even brought my Nona, your Great-Grandmother to Him through my Mom. Why? Why take up the broken lot of us? Certainly not because of what we can do for him, for no other reason except that He loves us. He has changed things for us, we are found and not forgotten.  We are not left behind, but remembered.  We are important enough that He recognizes things happening in our lives like birthdays, and weddings and babies, he even pays attention to the smallest requests we make, like I'd really like fresh flowers on the table when guests arrive - and THAT happens.  In this we can realize the truth. We are not unwanted - it's actually the very opposite of that.  God wants us so much that he can't hold himself back - in fact he sent his son Jesus to earth to sacrifice his life so that we can be put in right standing before God.

My Dearest O, the legacy of the women of this family is strong.  The legacy of our family is Christ, his love and freedom in him.  Remember that no matter how this world tries to shape you, or change you, that is the truth. 

Love always, my precious girl,
Your Mama